I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and decided to write this. My hope is that it will help others know how to minister to families that are going through the devastating hurt of sexual abuse or rape.This is only my perspective and what I have felt, seen, and dealt with this past year. I am in no way an expert only speaking about my experience and what I wish I would of have gotten from my friends and Christian community.
My rose colored glasses have been opened. My sister was attacked twice, raped once and only a hand full of people reached out to me. Yes they said they would pray but not one stopped what they were doing to pray WITH me. You see there is more hurting than just the rape victim, there is the family. The family that feels helpless, the family that feels like the world is spinning out of control, the family who wants nothing more than the person they love to get back what was lost knowing they never will. I watched numerous facebook groups started to pray for so and so mostly dealing with sickness or death. Every time I was added to a group my burden would get heavier. I am the type of person who carries my own weight and the weight of the world. Other peoples grief affects me deeply. I could of left the groups but didn't because in my mind it would be letting weakness show.
Maybe I should of taken it upon myself to start a group for my sister but I was to stricken with anger and overcome with my emotions to think clearly. Looking back I wished I had, it may have given me an outlet to express my grief. It is grief you know. Just like experiencing a death in the family. Death is not easy to talk about and many people don't know how to handle that grief. Rape is taboo. So taboo. Sexual abuse is taboo. We are not educated enough in dealing with rape and sexual abuse. We are taught through media that maybe it was the victims fault. I have seen first hand how our justice system works and how it treats the victim. They are scrutinized. People will go to extremes to make it sound like the victim deserved this treatment, that some how the victim was some way responsible.
I have seen gossip about my family, I have seen questions asked whether or not it was my sisters fault, I have seen people look the other way hoping not to make eye contact, I have been asked for the details of the event, I have seen the judgement, I have seen people walk the other way. I know when tragedy strikes it is hard to gauge what to say and what not to say but don't let THAT fear keep you from reaching out.
These are my thoughts on reaching out:
1. Pray with them. Take their hand and pray. After you leave and are back in your own home pray some more.
2. Offer meals or any help they may need. just like in death the trauma and shock take a while to wear off and then after the shock wears off the grief sets in.
3. If social media is a big part of your Church/Christian community why not start a private prayer group for the family and victim.(you may want to ask permission first, some people are very private people)
4. Do ask if they need anything. Don't ask for details. Allow them to open up as they see fit.
5. Be aware that there will be lots of anger. Lots and lots of anger. Allow them the freedom to be angry. I repeat allow them the freedom to be angry.
6. Be angry and hurt with them and in that let them see your tears so they will know they are not alone in their grief. Isolation plays a huge part in how dealing with these type of events feels.
7. Time. The grief, shock, and trauma don't just go away and wear off. Just like any tragic event, it is life changing, there will never be back to normal just a new normal.
These are just a few of my thoughts and tips. God does give us more than we can handle and with that we make the choice to rely more on him. If you know someone going through something similar please reach out. Please offer them compassion. Please offer them grace and please bring them before the throne of Jesus.
