2014 Restore

Restore.

My one little word for 2014. I am sad to leave this word behind as it has meant so much to me this year. In many ways God has used this word to heal wounds and in other ways bring exposure to wounds I didn't even know I had. This was my first year choosing a word and I am so glad I did! I love the time of reflection. I love how God brought situation after situation into my life to restore me. Just looking back on 2014:

The Simple. Simple little things like persistent flies during my quite time, yes those creatures that disturb us during the Summer, or in Texas all year long! Those flies that never give up, they persist and persist just like I need to persist in my relationship with Jesus.

The People. People who have welcomed my family but not just welcomed, but love us. All of us. Even me.

Prayer. One of the biggest lessons learned is to stop in the moment and pray for the person sharing his/her heart with me. Guilty of saying I will pray for you, how much more powerful is a love that stops in the moment and wraps its arms around you with words from a prayer. That is the kind of love I desire to give the people around me and strangers I come in contact with.

There is life to be found with the brokenness. As I have prayed for restoration this year God has rubbed me raw in areas. It has been painful at times. From my Dad's cancer to friends losing their son to our own financial crisis. I have sat many times crying over a bill passed due and finding out our home in Illinois would be foreclosed upon. One thing remains, one thing is true, and that is Jesus. He is Hope, He is Peace, He is the Master Restorer. 2014 has been a beautiful restorative year one that will be a monument in my walk with Jesus. Tomorrow I will have a new word and I am eagerly looking forward to how God will use it in my life. 

2015 will be a year of "free".

11 “In that day

“I will restore David’s fallen shelter—
    I will repair its broken walls
    and restore its ruins—
    and will rebuild it as it used to be,
12 so that they may possess the remnant of Edom
    and all the nations that bear my name,[e]”
declares the Lord, who will do these things.

Amos 9:11-12

for my sensitive child Jonah

I want to tell you how much I admire you. How much I am you and all that I have learned being the 'sensitive kid'. There is a lot of grief being the 'sensitive kid'. People will make fun of you for getting your feelings hurt easily and tell you to grow a backbone. I am hear to tell you not to. Tune their voices out. Don't believe their lies and what I believe are Satan's lies.

There is strength beyond your child self in you being sensitive. Compassion is in your soul and it compels you to reach out to those you see hurting and you reach far. You see the hurting people. For you they are hard to ignore, even the slightest change in voice, in their action, in facial expression, it does not go unnoticed by you. Sadly this world is polar opposite of your disposition and people don't know want to call it and they will call it many things.  Jealousy, judgement, hate everything but what it is. Jonah it is a gift, a precious gift God has given you.  This world needs more people like you. People who use their sensitivity for the sake of Christ and show compassion and mercy to those who don't deserve it. Son you inspire me and my prayer is that you will never believe the lies like I did and think you need to change and grow a backbone. It is my prayer that you will allow God to use what this world sees as a weakness and allow your attentive spirit to spread the love of Jesus.

There is nothing wrong with being sensitive. Crying easily is nothing to be ashamed of, for it means your heart is open and Oh, my precious son, how I pray that you will allow your heart to remain open to Christ as you walk this road to become a Man of God. Always remember that God loves you, always remember that your mom and dad love you, you are precious to Him, you are precious to your family.

I love you, Mom

Repairing the Brokenness

Compassion, Restoration, both words that have meant so much to me this past year. Times have been tough in these parts but I am not complaining because like Paul writes in Philippians:  

Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters,[b] that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard[c] and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear. Philippians 1:12-14 NIV.

What I have dealt with, these troubles and heartbreaks have served a greater purpose of breaking me, of solidifying my faith, in learning to trust with all my heart.

A few years ago when my sister was raped and then punished for the crime where she was the victim. My faith was shaken. Shaken in a way I had never experienced before. Shaken to the point where I thought about leaving the Church all together. Gossip raged throughout friends and family, people were more eager to learn the details than they were of grieving with me. Grieving with my family, grieving with my sister. I couldn't understand. This Church, these people who claimed Jesus, was this the love they had? Was this all there was to this faith? Was this how they treated ALL people, even the ones who never experienced Church, who had never experienced Jesus?

Suddenly God took me from a person inside the Church to a person on the outside looking in, watching the people and walking away. I didn't want to have anything to do with these people. They didn't offer love,  they certainly weren't offering grace, and there was no compassion. No wonder  there was no one opening the door and coming inside. Jesus broke me. I was looking into a mirror. Those people inside the Church, the ones I was walking away from, they were visions of myself. Oh the lesson of grace. Oh the lesson of mercy and compassion.

I know God is not finished with me yet. I know I have a long way to go. I do thank him for this time of hardship. This time of restoration. As Christ has broken my heart he is RESTORING me. Taking the Pharisee out and pouring more of himself. What happened with my sister is heartbreaking yet even with the broken God has taught me more about his grace, more about his love, and more about what he desires from me.

 I want to report to you, friends, that my imprisonment here has had the opposite of its intended effect. Instead of being squelched, the Message has actually prospered. All the soldiers here, and everyone else, too, found out that I’m in jail because of this Messiah. That piqued their curiosity, and now they’ve learned all about him. Not only that, but most of the followers of Jesus here have become far more sure of themselves in the faith than ever, speaking out fearlessly about God, about the Messiah. - Philippians 1:12-14 The Message

The long neglected update

It has been a while. I seem unable to stay the course with this blog thing and all the responsibilities that are "life" right now. Let me just start from where I(we) am now!

We found a Church! Finally! Harvest Bible Chapel San Antonio  just launched on October 5th, 2014 and we are so thankful to find and be a part of this body of believers.

I started our 3rd year Homeschooling! Last year was a challenge in discovering Jonah has reading difficulties in the form of dyslexia but we are trudging on. I am also dyslexic so it has not only been a learning experience for him but also for myself as I learn ways to better understand him and myself.

Grace started the 4th grade, Jonah is in a mix of K-2nd grade. He is gifted in math and numbers and some days I just have to shake my head at how advanced he is. Micah and Kerith started Kindergarten although Kerith is enjoying it more than her twin. Micah is a bit of a hands on learner like his Mom so he likes getting his hands dirty rather than learning his ABC's. Titus is observing school he likes to join in for the fun stuff like Science.

I am throughly enjoying being back in Texas. Over the Summer my Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer and it was a gift to be close to him during his surgery and now recovery. He is expected to make a full recovery.

I hope to get back to blogging regularly. We will see...

Zoo Field Trip

School Session

pardon the interruption

There seems to be this trend of Churches with "real" in their mission statement but I have to say when I walked into these Churches real was the last thing I thought. As a new person you get to see a lot. Some I liked, some I loved, most I was disappointed. Disappointed not just in one Church but the Church as a whole. The unwelcoming quiet that greets you upon arrival, the people gathered in their groups huddled around each other not looking to invite anyone new to their group, the ONE person out of hundreds that care to welcome you into their Church family. My mind starts to play "If we are the Body" by Casting Crowns

We are a family you cannot miss, we stick out in each Church we visit. With five kids under the age of 8 we are hard to ignore. Our kids don't want to go to Children's activities quite yet and rightly so, I like to have them warm up and so we take up a whole row in most Churches. Our kids tend to have one or two moments where they get wiggly and at times whisper sort of loud. You know the "Mom is it over yet?". On one occasion, at a Church we visited my youngest was having difficulty being quiet and bothering this young lady about my age in front of us. She shook her head at me and I felt shame and judged.  Maybe I should of gotten up and taken him out. I am use to trying to concentrate with a 2 year old distracting me. As a Mom it hurt though, as a child of God it hurt worse. I wanted so bad to be fed, to have a chance to worship, the freedom of knowing the people surrounding me in the pews welcomed my children and welcomed how I am trying to raise them. In Christ. My soul was thirsty. My soul already jaded from this past year. The hurt I carry from the hardships. I am sure it was an isolated incident. I am sure this woman didn't represent her Church as a whole yet she did. She may have not even known Christ yet still this is impression I came away with that day. A Church unwelcoming of little Children. Unwelcoming of a Mom trying to do her best to find a Church in a new town. Didn't Jesus say in Luke to let the Children come to him?

Luke 18:15-17 One day some parents brought their little children to Jesus so he could touch and bless them. But when the disciples saw this, they scolded the parents for bothering him. Then Jesus called for the children and said to the disciples, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.”

How am I to feel invited into a Church if my children are unwelcome? The 'real' I am looking for is in the seats of the congregation. The Authenticity of people caring, sharing, showing Christ to me. What if I had been dressed in rags? piercings and tattoos all over my body?  My real is so much more than a Church calling itself real, real preaching, real worship, real reaching out. The real Church I am looking for is one I walk in and feel welcome and one where they don't mind a 30 something year old women bringing her five kids into the "adult" service. A real Church would cheer me on, a real Church would offer help. A real Church would offer the child a glimpse of Jesus. Offer me Jesus.

So if you see me and my family come into your Church. Welcome us. Know that we are looking for so much more than how the worship goes, how the preaching is, having a service go off without a hitch. Jesus had a way of ministering to those that were an inconvenience to him. That is what we need to do as well. That is what this experience taught me. Pardon the interruption, pardon the inconvenience, look beyond the circumstance to the person. My one prayer "Lord help me show you. Let them see Jesus."

from grace to restoration

 So apparently I was going with the trend before I knew it was the in trend. Last year my one word was Grace. God taught me so much in 2013 about His grace and how I am an a extension of that grace to others. This year I am making a scrapbook about 2014 and the word I chose REstore. I picked restore for a lot of reasons but mostly because my soul has been battered and going through a crisis of faith and is dire need of restoration from my Savior. 

The end of 2013 brought much financial hardship for my family and we face financial struggles into 2014. With a house in Illinois unrented and not being able to pay certain bills, health insurance woes, and a drastic cut in salary our finances need restored but that is just a small portion of what has burdened my heart but you can pray for that if you wish.

I won't list the whole grand list of things that need restored in my life. My biggest need for restoration is my spiritual life. Since the rape of my sister it was like God took me and placed me on the outside of the Christian community(Church)  giving me a look at what unsaved people see. It is not pretty and I struggle. I struggle to even want to be involved in Church again. My soul cries "restore me Jesus! restore my sister. restore my family"
I took the picture of the purple flower above last year during our time at the condo. It reminds me of Spring and Spring always reminds me of life after quiet, life even after death. Spring to me symbolizes the word restore.

But Joseph said to them, "Do not be afraid, for am I in God's place? 20"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive. Genesis 50:19-20

For all the evil that has happened in the last year and a half to me and my family. The gossip, the rumors, being let down by the Church, judgements from family, these things meant to harm or the things that had good intentions but did more harm than good. I desire God to restore them, take my hurt and turn it into something beautiful. To repair the damage as only the Lord can, because I believe he can, and this year I believe he will.