Bust a Myth: All reproductive endocrinologists are the same.

It had been almost six months since I had been to Dr. W's office. Our last visit he released me into the hands of my OB thinking that this baby would be our take home baby. He was wrong.  Our loss happened about a month after my last visit with him when we saw the tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound screen.

All the numbers looked good, the baby looked good, everything was going according to plan. After my miscarriage my husband and I took a break from trying. We were exhausted emotionally and physically, we just needed some time.

So there I sat waiting in his office yet again for another ultrasound. This time to check follicles so we could do another cycle.

He walked in with tears in his eyes and the softest voice and said "I'm so sorry."

Three words that meant SO much to me.

No one was saying anything and if they did it was the same thing over and over. There would be other babies, you are young, you have plenty of time. His tears were a balm to my aching heart and his words a reminder that someone got it. Someone understood.

Someone saw my baby and valued the few weeks of life we shared. A Doctor. A Specialty doctor. A far cry from the OB that called my baby an embryo and left me feeling cold and bitter. There were no overused sentiments. He truly understood.

He will always hold a special place in my heart. For a Doctor to show emotion was a first for me. Usually the doctors I've come across have been cold and crass. Not this man. He is proof that not all doctors are unfeeling and unsympathetic. He valued me and more importantly he valued the life I carried even if I only carried the life for a few weeks.

Infertility 101

April 24-30th Is National Infertility Awareness Week if you would like more information please click here

Jesus loves mad guys.

Jonah and I have been having a lot of conversations lately on loving others. This is the boy who told me last year "Mom, I love you, but only on Tuesday, Thursday, and Fridays". He's been into Scooby Doo lately so I think that has something to do with our conversations. His questions normally come as I am tucking him into bed. "Mom" he'll say "I love everybody."
I laugh on the inside and ask him "Jonah do you love even mad guys?(also known as bad guys)"
"I don't know" he'll reply thinking "Jesus loves mad guys."
"Yes Jesus loves mad guys" I reply "Jesus tells us to love mad guys too."
"Mom some mad guys are scary but Jesus loves them too. I love everybody. I'm like Jesus."

What a refreshing reminder of the way I am suppose to love others. There was no judging, no prejudice, just an innocent sweet boy wanting to love others and be like Jesus. I would like to take credit and say he is just like his Mom but I can't only my Jesus could of fashioned him that way.

 

Yeah I am a goober

Last night before bed there was a news commercial on about when the live coverage of the royal wedding would start. I just happened to mention to Eric that I needed to set the DVR and he looked at me Are you serious? he asked. The man has been married to me for almost nine years and has known me for almost twelve you would think he would realize by now he married a women who is completely in love with love and current events. He also knows of my love for Julie Lessman novels so I am really not sure where his mind was and why it was so surprising that I wanted to watch the wedding. Just because my attire is mostly sweats, t-shirts, and no make-up I am and always will be a girl who loves romance. So come on confess what romantic thing do you love? I really want to indulge with someone...Will you be watching the Royal Wedding?

Infertility Myth Busters

Resolve is hosting a Myth Busters for National Infertility Awareness Week and I thought I would address a myth or two. There are many myths I could write about your to young to be worried about having kids yeah heard that ALOT! Just relax and you'll get pregnant um no amount of relaxing is going to cure my PCOS. I know what you are thinking Carissa you have five kids what on earth are you writing about infertility for? You see that statement seems to be the biggest myth of all. Sure I am a Mom now but it doesn't mean my infertility still doesn't affect me. For one PCOS(Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) is a constant health concern, there is no cure. Not only does it make getting pregnant hard it also increases the risk of miscarriage and diabetes. And if those things aren't enough some women with PCOS have to deal with gross things like hairy bodies, skin tags, acne, and weight issues FOREVER! The weight issues and hair part are my favorite. I mean because I want to be like my husband and shave me face. Putting all attempts at humor aside, the bottom line is PCOS is a lifelong condition and the myth that once you have a child or two cures you from infertility is completely false.

Garden Planting

Our raised beds are coming a long beautifully. I am so proud of Eric, he has become such a handy husband to have. I planted some early plants this morning cucumbers, chives, cilantro, basil and oregano. I cannot wait until my tomatoes, peppers and cucumbers are ready to eat! YUMMO! Fresh salsa, fresh salads, oh my! My mouth is watering all ready.

The little fellow is Jake. Remember him? The guy who ran away from home then came back a month later. Obviously  my beds have a mix of soil and mulch.

Dance Party

Yes it's true I am still in love with New kids on the Block. I know, I know, I am way to old for that. My love affair started when I was ten when I heard Joey sing "Please don't go girl". Oh my! I still get flutters thinking about it. I love a good boy band just as I love a good teen romance movie. I suppose it is what keeps me young at heart. I still enjoy turning the music up loud in the car and I admit I have taught my kids to shake their booties. Matter of fact our booty shaking dance parties seem to one of the kids favorite activities. I wonder if that is why Kerith sings "Jingle Bells" at the top of her lungs while we are in the car. I hope I am able to have more dance parties with my kids. I love to dance with them as much as they love to dance with me. Dance parties are the best funk breaker especially if you turn some Toby Mac up loud! So turn the music up loud, shake your booty, wiggle and jiggle, you are guaranteed to have a blast. I also guarantee your kids will shake their booty at an inappropriate time in the future. Ask me how I know...

An Easter we will remember

 It seems my family has more than a fair share of illnesses this year. I don't think we have had a sick free month since Titus was born. The kids were sorely disappointed because their Easter celebration was postponed due to throwing up and fevers. Not only that but it came at the heels of a very rocky weather weekend. We spent good Friday hanging out in the basement while tornadoes touched down all around us. The local channels had weather coverage on their were reports of large tornadoes on the ground. Next we heard a tornado had hit the St. Louis airport. I am not sure anyone was ready to see the destruction that Saturday morning daybreak brought. It reminded me of a tornado that hit close to my hometown an ef-5 tornado that wiped out neighborhoods and took many lives. However with these storms no one has been reported badly hurt or dead! The weather guys keep saying they don't know how it is possible but we know WHO controls these things. God! I saw people who have nothing left but the clothes of their backs and each other. That puts my whole sickness complaints into perspective.

Feedback and a Thank You!

I am humbled that so many of you have emailed me to say how my blog postings have been ministering to you. In no way shape or form am I a writer so I know that everything is credited to God. While I am writing, often one handed, I often wonder if I am being to open and honest. It is good to know that God has used my honesty and vulnerability for his purpose. I so appreciate those little notes you send. They encourage me and usually come at a time when I need them. Again a God thing no doubt.
You guys rock!

My Story Part 2

It was a bright sunny April day. April 22nd to be exact. The birds were singing, all of God's marvelous creation was in bloom and I was off to my Doctors office for a check up on our baby.  My heart was anxious, I had been so sick the very first weeks of the pregnancy and now was feeling better. I remember it very clearly. The day was spectacular. I waited several minutes in the waiting area before my name was called, Eric was with me and we were placed in a boring white room with a bunch of medical equipment.

The ultrasound started ok. I mean how many times do you get to prop up your legs in stirrups and have an internal ultrasound? The answer A LOT when you are dealing with infertility and getting treated. The Doctor was very silent. I heard her clear her throat and say " I am sorry Carissa but there is no heartbeat. It looks as though the embryo died around seven weeks." Embryo. Died. My baby was dead and to the Doctor all he was was an embryo. So cold, so matter-of-fact, so unsympathetic. In the following few minutes she filled me in on my choices and gave me my orders. I spent 36 hours knowing I was carrying my dead baby inside my womb before my miscarriage started. It started about an hour before my surgery was scheduled to remove the baby.

I woke up from anesthesia with the most empty feeling. The numbness I had been feeling was starting to turn into anger. I was angry at the world and angry at God. I felt betrayed. Here my husband and I went before him asking for healing and he took my baby! What kind of God was he? My bitterness grew and I fell into a very dark place. This world did not care if I lost my baby. I heard many comments " There will be others", " Your are still so young", "Better now than later in the pregnancy." The world treated me as if I should just move on, move on like they were, but I wasn't moving on. How could I? My baby was gone. The baby I so desperately prayed for, the baby I begged God for time and time again. I remember yelling "Where are you God!!" many times. The people that claimed they loved me were nowhere to be found. Where was my comfort? Where were the people who were suppose to cry with me? Nowhere.

I can look back on that time in my life and see things that God provided. I was newly married and living in a new state and dealing with infertility and now the loss of my child. A friend sent me a link to an online community forum called Hannah's Prayer. At the time I did not know that one of the founders also shared something in common with how I grew up, she was also a MK(missionary kid) and not only that but her parents were missionaries with the same organization as my parents! Neato! The community has been a blessing to me. Fast forward almost 7 years and look what God has done. I just happen to be on the moderating team of Hannah's Prayer and not only that but I am honored to be a part of their new ministry launching April 25th called Held Yes God is amazing. He continues to turn my sorrow and pain into something that brings him glory!

What happened while I went potty

It isn't as big as the BP oil spill but it was bad enough. The one minute I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to relieve the need I'd been holding for the past hour while feeding Titus and seeing to the needs of Micah and Kerith was about to explode. I gave Micah and Kerith their bowl of cereal with milk, everyone was quiet so I dashed off to the bathroom. I am not sure of the train of thought that followed, I know who the ring leader was she's chewing on her foot right now and Micah is following(Yes his Dad and I will have to work with him so he doesn't get misled as a big kid). I am not sure if they confused the milk for water or what but this is what happened while I was in the bathroom.

My Story part 1.

April is Infertility Awareness month. Infertility and loss are a part of the journey God has given me. I will be sharing my story in the next few weeks with certain posts. My hope and prayer is that it will bring comfort to those hurting and a glimpse into the heart of who I am. I hope my story will bring glory to my Father in heaven.

Kids were always a part of Eric and my plan after we got married. I grew up in large family as did he and we both wanted at least three kids. I look back and think we were very naive. I started charting my cycles about a year after we were married and noticed I wasn't ovulating. Fast forward a few months and the diagnoses of PCOS(Poly Cystic Ovarian Symdrome), saw my OBGYN and she put me on clomid which in two cycles it was confirmed that I wasn't ovulating. Fast forward a little more and enter a Reproductive Endocrinologist or an RE he added some additional treatments. More drugs and shots. This wasn't a part of our plan. Having kids was suppose to be easy. You weren't suppose to have to plan sex, take medications and yes I mean more than one, and get shots! It was life changing. A stress on our marriage, a stress in our relationships with others.

In February of 2004 we decided to approach our elders and Pastor and have them pray and anoint us with oil as it says to do in James 5. I came before the Lord broken and humbled. Broken in spirit and broken in body.
Two weeks later I finally got my miracle. We found out we were pregnant with our first child. We were elated and couldn't wait to tell people. Finally! We would be parents but little did we know what God had in store for us. How little we knew.

Message in a Picture

This picture of Spring really touched me. I look at it and see a friend comforting another friend, an arm reaching out. For me it speaks volume how God speaks to our hearts through his creations. My heart ached for friends this week who have received heart breaking news I needed to be reminded of the comfort God gives. A comfort only he can bring. I think this photo will be framed with this verse underneath.

1 Corinthians 1:3-5
3-5All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.

Carissa Uncensored

In all honesty today I am unhappy and heartbroken. Today I keep hearing those voices inside my head that tell me I am worthless, unloved, and unimportant. I feel judged, lost, and broken. I am trying hard to find a rainbow but at this point the clouds haven't cleared. Today I need to be reminded of my Creator.Today I need to be reminded of his love. I need to be in his presence and let him love on me. I need to jump in his lap and let his arms surround me. I need to see myself through his eyes. Oh how I need him. I am trying my best to hang on to his promises, trying to remember I am dearly loved and treasured. I want to indulge in something like chocolate or coffee to mask the pain but I know it isn't worth how I will feel later. I know that peoples actions did not intend to bring pain but it did and it made me feel like I still a girl on the outside looking in. How I long to be accepted and loved by others. How I long to be enough but the truth is I feel I am never enough. They are feelings and I know I am not to trust feelings but they are still there. My prayer today.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/h/hillsong_united/#share

A touch of Spring