grace

This year has been incredibly difficult. In fact I cannot remember things being this tough since the days we were going through infertility treatments and the loss of our Aj. I am still healing from a lot of the things that happened and still healing from a lot of words that were spoken with good intentions but left me with a scorched heart.

Proverbs 12:18

The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

This year like all the rest of the difficult times has taught me something and spiritually speaking I grew up. Less Pharisee and more like Jesus. Yes worth it. I say that knowing the person who raped my sister is still out on the street, I say that knowing people misjudged the situation and spoke gossip, I say that in spite of being hurt by friends who chose to care more for the lives they were living then to pray with me and for me.
The misconception that I live a perfect life but truth my life would be nothing and I would not be able to overcome the search for justice, forgive those that hurt me, walk on after my world was rattled without Jesus. Jesus offers grace. Jesus offers life. Jesus offers himself.

grace. God's amazing grace has been a theme this year. The things of worth are never easy but always worth it. Forgiveness isn't easy but it is always worth it.

Stressfully exhausted

I don't have a lot of exciting things to write about. It's mostly the same. Not much change since my last post. Still living with my parents in central Texas while Eric works in San Antonio. Still don't have the Illinois house on the market. That has been one stress after the other. If you think about it pray for us. Our whole living situation revolves around the house being rented. I have been fighting a lot of my depression symptoms again and my family around me fails to understand that. The one person in my life, my husband, who understands me, and loves me through all my issues is gone and in a lot of ways he is the glue that holds me together. It's hard to remain focused and encouraged right now. I feel pulled in every direction imaginable. The expectations of family members is tough to deal with. Sharing my opinions seems to do more damage than good which is why I am here writing. I need a space, my own space. My own environment where I can freely express how I feel and what I am dealing with without the fear of angry rebuttal or hurting someones feelings. My expectations have not been met and that makes me angry. We've been here 4 weeks and our house still sits empty and not on the market because of issues with the property management company. Yeah it is probably all trivial things to you but it's ok. The recent events of my life have been intensely stressful on me, to the point this week I thought I might check into a mental hospital. I am exhausted. I am tired of stepping on toes, real toes. I am in a valley. I suppose I am learning whatever God is trying to get me to learn. Servanthood maybe? I am not sure yet. One thing is for sure change and I aren't friends and I am a lot weaker than I thought. I don't mean that to be negative but as factual. I am an intense introvert who thrives on space and is easily exhausted by external things. Eric and I got to spend a night in a free hotel together this past weekend. We had an appointment for our design for the house we are building(which is another thing that if the house in Illinois doesn't rent we will lose the house we are building) I was asleep by 8. I can't think of another time I had been so exhausted except right after the twins were born. Hopefully not to much longer here. I am so eager to get an apartment or something and be a family and start exploring our new home town but until the house in IL is rented well we are stuck. I am closing it out. It's Sunday night and I only have a few more hours with Eric before he wakes me up early in the morning to say goodbye for the week. Monday's always require lots of coffee.

The road to healing

I've fought over this post for a while trying to put my words into sentences in order for it to make sense. Here is the bottom line. I was abused emotionally, verbally, and physically growing up. I am not sure why there is such shame in those words, why it has stayed hidden behind so many walls from the time I was released into adulthood. Oh and I know the questions that come to your mind like,"who did this to you?" but is it that important to know who if you really love and care for me? My answer is no.

I sat at my computer one day on facebook.  Another invitation to join a group to support someone going through a rough time. My third in the same day and seventh of the week. I moaned and anger broke through, Why did all these people ALWAYS want something from me? Didn't they know my head was barely above water? Then the voice came, my own voice They aren't mind readers you know, they know you will pray if nothing else and yet I was still angry. Angry that I was the faithful, loyal and obedient one, angry that my secret was something no one took as seriously as battling a physical illness. Where were all these people when I needed them? These same people cheering others onto the finish line were nowhere. I felt abandoned. After all what do you say to someone trying to heal from past abuse? How do you support them? How do you help them heal? Yeah, I don't know. I imagine it is a lot like grieving though. There have been days where I've just wanted someone to weep with me. There have been days when I have needed the affirmation that it is ok to be angry. There have been days when all I needed was someone to stop and pray with me. Years of carrying this secret because everyone thought my life was perfect, the perfect family, the perfect parents, the perfect life. Years of hurt and wounds from not being protected from my abuser. Anger over, if there were boundaries set the outcome might of been different. I will allow myself to feel the grief and the anger. I won't hide anymore in shame because people think my life is perfect when it has never been. I won't hide and keep holding this secret for fear of disappointing people. It is what God has given me, it is evil but I know God will make it good. I will let God use whatever he has planned for these scars for his Glory. I know he won't ever abandon me and I know he is carrying me now.

Hebrews 4:14-16 (The Message)

[ The High Priest Who Cried Out in Pain ] Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let's not let it slip through our fingers. We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.

I am taking HIS Mercy and accepting HIS help.

A lesson from Grace

I came in one night to tuck Grace into bed. To my surprise she sat there on her bed with her Father's large Bible sitting on her lap. I asked what she was doing thinking her reply probably was a homework assignment or something her Teacher asked her to do. "I'm just reading," she said "I wanted to read about Moses." I think my heart leapt for joy. My little first grader was reading the word of God on her own free will!

Her new faith in Christ is teaching me so many things in my own relationship with the Lord. To desire him more, to trust him with my whole self, to walk day by day with our savior and to show Christ to others. Much like Grace I also became a Christian at an early age and looking back it has been hard to pin point a life changing moment like a lot of Christians I know have. My testimony is not dramatic. Watching Grace is like God giving me the gift of seeing what my conversion might of looked like. Now that I am in my 30's it is harder to remember growing in Christ in my younger days except for that one moment playing hide n seek with my brother when I asked Jesus into my heart. That memory has lasted. That moment was life changing and even though it is not something that gets wows and exclamations when told, I now see the awe inspiring work God has gradually done in my life, just as he is doing for my daughter. That is a treasure!

Fits and more fits: A lesson learned

One thing is for sure Kerith is a fighter. The Lord continues to use her in my life to give me spiritual examples of my own more "grown up" attitude. Yesterday I put her and Micah down for a nap, well tried to, lately though they seem to want to fight me and fight me. Micah will complain for a minute or two and eventually get out of his bed and I will have to put him back and we will repeat this process for 15 minutes until finally he realizes I am serious about my position. Kerith on the other hand, well first she will be quiet then get out of bed and sneak her way into her brother's room, of course making me put her back but she fights and fights, kicking and screaming fighting, yelling for Daddy to come rescue her because I am a mean Mommy. She will finally get to a point where she doesn't open the door to come out but will throw her fit right next to it to make sure we hear her. Like we couldn't hear her she is like the loudest kid EVER even when she is happy. So in my hour of tending to my twins who didn't want to take a nap I was begging God for something sort of relief. I mean I do have three other kids to tend to. Nothing came although during my prayer God pointed out that I often act like Kerith when it comes to his plan for my life. What's that Lord? I fight him kicking and screaming because I think my way is better. I'll yell I don't want to forgive people who have hurt me. I want what she has, a nice car, a size six body. AH. I want, I want, I want. When we were going through our infertility I desperately wanted just one child and he gave me Aj and took him back to heaven after a few short weeks. Him time, his purpose for my life. I am now a Mom to five living children and one in heaven after dealing with infertility, after hearing the doctor say I would always need medical help in order to have a family, God chose to give me twins without any medical help and another blessing after that how is that for God's way over the doctors or for that matter my own? Yeah I am a lot like Kerith in my walk with the Lord. I fight him over my wants and desires when really I should surrender all to him after all hasn't he shown me time and again his way is always better?

Crazy Week-Texas recap part 1

I have never had jet lag before but man this week has been rough trying to get back on schedule. The twins slept on a mattress at my Parents and now they don't want to sleep in their cribs anymore SO we are getting closer to having all four in one room. Crazy right?

What I learned on the drive down to Texas:
Titus IS NOT a good traveler. He cried much of the time. Eric and I did survive, barely.
If Kerith is not TIGHTLY buckled into her carseat she will climb out.
Kerith and Micah like to unbuckle the carseat in the third row. We found this out when we were almost in an accident.
ALWAYS and I repeat ALWAYS make a hotel reservation PRIOR to arrival. It is MUCH MUCH to stressful to travel with five kids without some sort of plan in place. (Ask me how I know)
Ice Cream can calm down any situation even when it is 8:30 and there is no room in the Inn's.
When chaos occurs sometimes you just have to laugh it off.
Southern Hospitality is THE BEST!
Southerners are MUCH MUCH more friendly to my large family than people in the midwest. It is just a fact.
and last but not least Whataburger still makes a slammin' good burger!

Contentment...Really?

It's Friday. I use to live for Friday's. The weekend, time off, sleeping in, oh the bliss. Now every day starts with whining and coffee. Must not forget coffee. I bet you think I am speaking of my childrens whining but really I am referring to my own. God has been working on my heart lately in regard to whining and comparing. Comparing equals whining in my world. I want turns into I need and then turns into gotta have it now, and when it doesn't happen I become bitter and angry. Some people say the grass is always greener on the other side, a wise person said the grass is always greener where you nourish it. I am guilty of overlooking my own blessings when I see God has blessed someone else. Do you do this as well? I believe we all have a time or two, for myself it seems to be more often than not and I really desire to work on changing. I think 1 Timothy 6:6-7 says it so well.

6.Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. ⁷ After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it.

True godliness with contentment. I need to grasp this and pound it into my heart. I've got a long way to go. Praise the Lord he isn't finished with me yet!

Message in a Picture

This picture of Spring really touched me. I look at it and see a friend comforting another friend, an arm reaching out. For me it speaks volume how God speaks to our hearts through his creations. My heart ached for friends this week who have received heart breaking news I needed to be reminded of the comfort God gives. A comfort only he can bring. I think this photo will be framed with this verse underneath.

1 Corinthians 1:3-5
3-5All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.

A phone call from God

So I have lost my phone, my beautiful iphone that connects me to the rest of the world.I love it way to much and God has seen fit to take it from me. I am sure it is lost in the couch or put in some unknown place. I have to admit last night I was pretty upset and frustrated over it. Well to be truthful I was seriously frustrated over many things, sickness, husband, kids you name it. Everything was getting on my last nerve. I'm sure you've been there.
Fast forward to this morning I got kids ready for school, started dinner, loaded them in the car and what song pops on Francesca Battistelli's "This is the stuff" have you heard it? If not here are some of the lyrics to give you an idea of what the song is about.

I lost my keys in the great unknown
And call me please 'Cuz I can't find my phone

This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use

So right on point with my frustrations even has I drove behind someone going 5 mph UNDER the speed limit. Then these words struck me

 So break me of impatience
Conquer my frustrations
I've got a new appreciation
It's not the end of the world

Sigh. Yup that is what I needed. My prayer today that I can get past my frustration and not allow it to rob me of the blessings each day brings. By the way if you see my phone let me know.

Complaining...

God has really been convicting me lately about complaining. I am a complainer, I don't think I am meant to be but it kinda comes naturally. It is hard and I am trying but it's hard! My mom always questioned when people use to ask her to pray for patience she would say "as soon as you ask you will be put to the test". I feel the same way about complaining. Once I started asking God to help me things to complain about showed up everywhere! The kids, the husband, the dogs, the bills, the family...the list goes on I think you get it. Now I am even complaining about me asking God to help me stop complaining. OH goodness! I am amazed at what God puts up with, seriously I am because I would of given up long ago on me. The divine Grace and Mercy never giving up and always growing me up, always refining me, always loving me. Wrapping his arms around me saying "Oh my sweet girl how much you are loved!" Let me boast about my weaknesses because his power is made perfect through them! I love how the Message puts it 2 Cor 12:9

 My grace is enough; it's all you need.
 My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

God loves smudges too

I was dropping off the kids to Mother's day out and saw a Mom talking to the teacher. She was a well put together Mom dressed in the latest fashions along with her child. I overheard a little of the conversations and she was telling the teacher "Yesterday we went to the park and had a picnic, then we went to the zoo and had such a fun time!" I looked down at Micah and Kerith with what looked like some leftover breakfast on their faces and who did not even have their hair brushed. Not to mention me, I had just put on some clothes. No makeup, one very stressed out breakout all over my face, hair back in a ponytail. "Oh my" I thought and was so embarrassed. Here I am barely surviving motherhood and look at her. I mean really look at her taking her child to the zoo, the park AND a picnic and ALL in ONE day looking like J Lo. Seriously? I am lucky if I get to shower and I can't imagine taking all of my crew to the park by myself let alone the zoo, oh goodness I can just see the chaos that would be. I use to dream I would be that kind of  Mom. A picture of true perfection with all my ducks in a row. The Mom I am looks nothing like the Mom I described above, and looks nothing like the Mom I always envisioned I would be. I am slowing learning to be the Mom God wants me to be. It is hard because I tend to be a perfectionist and well those tendencies will have me in the nut house very quickly around this house. Praise the Lord for my smudges, for my messed up hair, for my non-matching clothes, and even my broken out face. God loves our smudges because he loves us where we are and doesn't require clean up before we come to him! Amen!

I had a post planned

but lost my train of thought. It's been a rough week. We've been dealing with sickness again and it seems to linger with fevers and vomiting. It all comes at a time when I have been struggling with all my roles of wife, mom, and everything those two things bring. I don't mean to sound negative in my posts. I often use my blog as an outlet for myself to write things down and vent. It is what it is. God has been convicting of my attitudes. How am I to teach my children to not whine if they see me whining? I am working on it. It is tough. Pray for me.

On a less serious note I have been working out and doing a lot of Wii workouts, my recent favorite is the Wii Zumba. It burns a lot of calories and makes you sweat like no ones business and it flies by which is important to me because I hate working out. Not a good quality when you got 100 lbs to lose. I am learning to like it and I hope one day I can say I love it but hey one thing at a time. Small steps. Myfitnesspal.com also has been a great tool for me in my fitness goals. Eric has jumped on board with me and we are both working out 4-5x a week and he is really helping me stay encouraged. It is a downer when you have PCOS to lose weight because it makes things a lot harder but I have lost before and know I can do it again. I mean if I am doing it with 5 kids 5 and under surely anyone can make the choice to be healthier right? I'll be posting my progress.

I hope this week to make some soap and enjoy basketball, my favorite sport in all the world, but right now I am going to eat my lunch. It's been a tough day and after I eat my lunch I may take a nap.

Uniquely You

I must admit I don't like a whole lot of things about myself but as I grow older I am learning to appreciate them and accept them. God has created me in a unique way and I am uniquely me just as you are uniquely you. I really need to repeat that sentence over and over again.

I have struggled with weight issues all my life due to hormonal issues like PCOS and have gone up and down in weight over the years. It has been hard. It's hard not to compare myself to others. I often find myself caught up in the comparison trap and thinking "oh I wish I were like her". When I was a teenager I also struggled with my shy and introverted personality. I envied those who could ease themselves into conversations and fit right in. I often found I stood out like a sore thumb and still feel that way at times. Once in a while my shy and reserved self would offend someone and they would often label me 'rude' and then try to set out to change me. Of course they would fail. Changing me was like taking a Tomato and trying to make it a Rose. It doesn't work. God has created each individual with a unique set of qualities to glorify him in some shape or form. My shape may be a little more rounder than others but it is still the shape God made me. Even at my ideal weight I was still a lot rounder than those 'other' girls. Growing up in a family with Parents that were in a ministry I often felt pressured to change my personality, body type etc. but must say God provided the best remedy for my feelings in giving me a husband who has never once tried to make me into something I am not. Yes I am the heaviest I have ever been thanks to 5 kids in 7 years and I look around me and often feel ugly. Let's face no matter where you go there is always someone or something reminding you of your flaws. The faster we stop comparing ourselves to others and accept the way God made us the better. The faster I learn to see me through the eyes of the creator the better. For he made me curvy and introverted. Shy and Passionate. Flawed yet Perfect in his eyes. I may never be a rose with it's fragrant beauty but a tomato has it's own set of beautiful qualities and you can eat them ;)