You Lead, I'll follow

Oswald Chambers said, "Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One Who is leading."

There has been a lot of changes happening in our house lately. The changes started small with me stepping down from being a moderator from a forum I dearly love, then my weight loss journey started, then another small change and again another. The most recent is something I thought would never happen again and that is leaving Illinois. I have written about it numerous times how I have struggled with contentment here and written how God had given me what I needed to be content in all circumstances, things like snow and gardening had become my gifts.

I was content and happily looking forward to my five acres in the country and the little farm I had envisioned but my little world was disrupted last week when my husband told me he was updating his resume and posting it online. Lots of talking followed. Lots. The thought of uprooting my family scared me but the possibility of having the carrot dangled in front of me scared me more. You see we have had opportunities to move back to Texas a few times but never had felt peace about our decision so we turned down the positions. I groaned, moaned and even became angry at having to think about the possibility of moving to somewhere more desirable, somewhere like Texas, someplace where family was close.

I guess I don't need to say I have been desperately praying this week both hubby and I have. Two weeks ago moving wasn't even a speck on the radar but now it is a very real possibility. We are not sure what God is doing but we know for sure that he is doing something in our lives and we desire to obey him.

I know one thing for sure, I have seen evidence of God's leading looking back over our lives. Who puts their house up for sell in the worst market in housing history, finds out they are expecting, then finds out they are expecting twins and has the house sell three months later? Yes I have a big God and I do look forward to where God is going with this even if the ride keeps us here because I know no ride is pointless and there is always a lesson to learn.

About Grace...

Every year I say I will be healthier, I will work out more, eat less, drink more water. This year I am not saying those things. This year I am setting a spiritual goal because one thing I know is when my spirit is healthy the rest follows.

Something struck me on Christmas day as we learned of a young women passing on just before the service started. Our Pastor's wife asked us to pray and as we finished praying my young daughter Grace was on her knees. My six year old daughter was on her knees before God with blind faith. What a testimony. I asked her after the service was over why she was on her knees. She said "just praying". How God used her in my life. What an example to me of crying out to God. What a testimony of where I need to be before God. What a reminder of Mark 10:13:16

13 One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so he could touch and bless them. But the disciples scolded the parents for bothering him.

14 When Jesus saw what was happening, he was angry with his disciples. He said to them, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. 15 I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.” 16 Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them.

New Living Translation.

Grace has told us that one night in October she asked Jesus to be her Savior. Just like she quietly got on her knees, in the quiet of her bed just her and her God she came to him asking to be saved, receiving her free gift of salvation. We've seen her grow coming out of school and exclaiming "I want to tell everyone about Jesus!" and in her attitude towards her siblings. I do not know what God has in store for her life. My one and only prayer is that she will continue to walk with abandon with her savior and continue to be a light to not only myself but the rest of the world.

Alien on earth

***this is a brutally honest post***

One Wednesday morning after dropping off the kids at school a song by Building 429 came on the radio called Where I belong the words of the first verse struck me hard.

Sometimes it feels like i'm watching from the outside Sometimes it feels like i'm breathing but am I alive I will keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

How many times in my life have I felt that I don't belong. Way to many. How many times have I felt recently that I don't belong? WAY to many. You see I hold rather strong convictions about certain things such as drinking alcohol. Often times even in the midst of Christian friends who love Christ as much as I do my convictions leave me feeling like an outsider, like I don't belong. It makes me sad that my convictions on drinking which in short are not to partake or be around alcohol period seem to be much more of an issue amongst my Christian friends. How often am I told drinking is not wrong. How often do I have to defend a conviction God has GIVEN ME. If he has not given you the same conviction I have no issue but for me and my personal walk with Christ alcohol is a stumbling block. It's temptation. It's scary. It's terrifying.

Why is it all those things? In short I have never seen alcohol used in a manner but destruction. Alcoholism runs rabid in my family line from Uncles to Grandparents. Time has yet to erase the memories of extended family members getting liquored up and rubbing their sexually aroused bodies against my own body in what was called a family embrace. Memories like that one arouse anger within me and most people will never know WHY. They are quick to judge, quick to tell me what the Bible says about drinking and quick to never find out why I feel the way I do. How many times have I been called a hypocrite and quoted Matthew 7:3-5

3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Why is it SO terribly hard for Christians to respect a fellow believers conviction? Oh no doubt I am the worst hypocrite and a heathen and oh so thankfully saved by the blood of Christ Jesus. I am no better than anyone and do not claim to be. It could be that Christ has given me this conviction to keep me feeling like an outsider, like I don't belong because I am NOT home YET.

Sometimes it feels like i'm watching from the outside Sometimes it feels like i'm breathing but am I alive I will keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

Disclaimer: If you hold the view that drinking is ok please do not take offense. This is MY view.

My car rides

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. My deep thinking usually happens two days a week on the drive to and from the kids school. In that time usually God speaks to me or it's me speaking to him in the form of crying out to him. I have grown to treasure this drive. So in the next few weeks as we enter a time of busy, a time of celebration and holiday traditions, I am going to be writing about what God is teaching me. Good and bad. Honest and heartfelt. I hope you will read and I hope God will maybe use whatever I write to help you on your journey to be like him.

Fits and more fits: A lesson learned

One thing is for sure Kerith is a fighter. The Lord continues to use her in my life to give me spiritual examples of my own more "grown up" attitude. Yesterday I put her and Micah down for a nap, well tried to, lately though they seem to want to fight me and fight me. Micah will complain for a minute or two and eventually get out of his bed and I will have to put him back and we will repeat this process for 15 minutes until finally he realizes I am serious about my position. Kerith on the other hand, well first she will be quiet then get out of bed and sneak her way into her brother's room, of course making me put her back but she fights and fights, kicking and screaming fighting, yelling for Daddy to come rescue her because I am a mean Mommy. She will finally get to a point where she doesn't open the door to come out but will throw her fit right next to it to make sure we hear her. Like we couldn't hear her she is like the loudest kid EVER even when she is happy. So in my hour of tending to my twins who didn't want to take a nap I was begging God for something sort of relief. I mean I do have three other kids to tend to. Nothing came although during my prayer God pointed out that I often act like Kerith when it comes to his plan for my life. What's that Lord? I fight him kicking and screaming because I think my way is better. I'll yell I don't want to forgive people who have hurt me. I want what she has, a nice car, a size six body. AH. I want, I want, I want. When we were going through our infertility I desperately wanted just one child and he gave me Aj and took him back to heaven after a few short weeks. Him time, his purpose for my life. I am now a Mom to five living children and one in heaven after dealing with infertility, after hearing the doctor say I would always need medical help in order to have a family, God chose to give me twins without any medical help and another blessing after that how is that for God's way over the doctors or for that matter my own? Yeah I am a lot like Kerith in my walk with the Lord. I fight him over my wants and desires when really I should surrender all to him after all hasn't he shown me time and again his way is always better?

Finding Rainbows

Sacrifice

The subject of sacrifice has been a hot topic in my world lately. It's a tough subject for me because I sacrificed a lot in my teenage years for my family. The normal teenage activities are foreign to me. Which is probably why I don't understand Facebook dating.

Oh my growing up years were no hardship mind you. My parents were caring and godly. I had close relationships with my siblings. The circumstances of life happened and I was, dare I say forced, into a role that was full of responsibility and sacrifice. Picture it. Younger siblings ten and fifteen years younger. The newest family addition seventeen years younger born with a life threatening birth defect. My parents were in and out of hospitals and there I was playing Mom to my younger sisters. When most kids were having parties, going to proms, dating, I was grocery shopping at Walmart with a seven and two year old! Back then teen pregnancy wasn't exactly popular so when the cashier would make a comment such as(let me pull one of the million I've heard out of my head) "Oh you are so young to be a Mom!" I learned to say "OH no these are my sisters not my kids!" .

Even more recently when Grace was near a year old, I was getting my hair done at a shop while I was in Texas visiting. My Sister ten years my junior was holding Grace, the hairdresser asked me. are you ready? remember I am like twenty six years old. drum roll "Is that your granddaughter!". I seriously wanted to walk right out of that place, hair undone and all and never come back. Now of course the lady was talking about Grace and not my Sister. I am sure she thought Grace was my Sisters child but REALLY? I mean REALLY? I have referred to myself as old ever since.

When God asked me to give up going to college away from home I got really angry. It took a while to wrap my head around. I had dreams of moving across the country to Boston to attend college. I had never envisioned myself living at home throughout my young adult life. The time I was suppose to go out into the world and become an adult. He wanted me at home to help my family. He wanted me to sacrifice the most important days of my life. My Dreams of schooling, of moving far from home, my dreams of writing music. He required me to lay my dreams on his alter. He was asking me to give them to him. My dreams I had held since I was a child.  He asked me to be there for my family and die to myself. I chose to and although I will not be rewarded this side of heaven. I can be assured that maybe, just maybe he will say to me "Good job my daughter, well done!" and that my friends will make that hairdressers question worth it!

What are you sacrificing for the cross? Is God asking you to give up something up for his purpose? If he is how can I pray for you?