grace

This year has been incredibly difficult. In fact I cannot remember things being this tough since the days we were going through infertility treatments and the loss of our Aj. I am still healing from a lot of the things that happened and still healing from a lot of words that were spoken with good intentions but left me with a scorched heart.

Proverbs 12:18

The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

This year like all the rest of the difficult times has taught me something and spiritually speaking I grew up. Less Pharisee and more like Jesus. Yes worth it. I say that knowing the person who raped my sister is still out on the street, I say that knowing people misjudged the situation and spoke gossip, I say that in spite of being hurt by friends who chose to care more for the lives they were living then to pray with me and for me.
The misconception that I live a perfect life but truth my life would be nothing and I would not be able to overcome the search for justice, forgive those that hurt me, walk on after my world was rattled without Jesus. Jesus offers grace. Jesus offers life. Jesus offers himself.

grace. God's amazing grace has been a theme this year. The things of worth are never easy but always worth it. Forgiveness isn't easy but it is always worth it.

Splashes of Grace: The Boy at the Door

He sat by the door in the waiting room of my chiropractor's office. Baseball cap low over his eyes. Like most teenage boys his clothes were three times his size, baggy bottoms and all. He was everything typical of a teenager trying to fit into his surroundings. He was everything I dreaded being around. One to many times I have come into contact with a boy who looked liked him. Who often was to busy texting on his phone or talking with his friends to pay attention to the lady in front of him with five kids walking his way. Often using four letter words as adjectives and nouns and walking through stores like the world owed him something.

I picked Titus up in his carseat and started on my way out. We made eye contact, he stood up, he smiled and asked Can I get the door for you ma'am? Not use to this type of treatment I was beyond shocked. I returned his smile and thanked him. He didn't know but he was a splash of sunshine in my day. A splash that has had a lasting effect. A little act of kindness that I have remembered often in my day to remind me how I would like my children to act in the future. A reminder to pray my Children show Christlike attitudes to those around them and a reminder to myself that when I hold the door for others it may just be the ray of sunshine needed in their life. It may be only a simple act but it may have a lasting effect. Splashing a little of God's grace into their life. I pray it does.

Finding Rainbows

Backyard Missionary

There is a baby crying upstairs. Two two year olds battling over a toy. Dishes in the sink. A mountain of laundry to be done, and I do mean MOUNTAIN. Newly painted walls with a purple marker. Cracker crumbs by the front door feeding the ant problem. It is my day. My life. It is less than amazing. There is no WOW factor unless you hear the noise level right now. No pat on the back thanking me for a job well done. No appreciation for the million dirty diapers changed. It is your mission field. What did you say? It is your mission field!

My mission field. You can't be serious Lord. Nope it isn't Africa, South America, Europe or Asia. It is right here. My backyard. I bet if you asked a missionary who does serve in those countries what life is like they will tell you it isn't glamorous. Being raised by Missionaries myself I have a little bit of inkling of what Missionaries go through and the sacrifice that it takes. Remind you of something?

Motherhood, raising children to love Christ and each other. If you ask me sometimes the loving each other part is a little more challenging. It is my mission field but I don't see it that way. Usually my thoughts run in the direction of "another day, another diaper". I scamper through these days like they are just any ole day. I want to work on that. I want to start seeing my life and all that surrounds it as my mission field. Because there is no greater need for missionaries than MY own backyard! Think about it.

Luke 10:2

He told them, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few." Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.

Let us not forget the harvest that are our Children! The Harvest that surrounds us each day whether it be the checkout lady at the grocery store, our next door neighbor, our mail person EVERYONE we come in contact with.

"Lord I confess I don't view my life through your eyes. Oh Lord give me your vision, your love, your grace so I can be a better Mother, friend and raise these children that you have entrusted to me to love you and love others" Amen!

Sacrifice

The subject of sacrifice has been a hot topic in my world lately. It's a tough subject for me because I sacrificed a lot in my teenage years for my family. The normal teenage activities are foreign to me. Which is probably why I don't understand Facebook dating.

Oh my growing up years were no hardship mind you. My parents were caring and godly. I had close relationships with my siblings. The circumstances of life happened and I was, dare I say forced, into a role that was full of responsibility and sacrifice. Picture it. Younger siblings ten and fifteen years younger. The newest family addition seventeen years younger born with a life threatening birth defect. My parents were in and out of hospitals and there I was playing Mom to my younger sisters. When most kids were having parties, going to proms, dating, I was grocery shopping at Walmart with a seven and two year old! Back then teen pregnancy wasn't exactly popular so when the cashier would make a comment such as(let me pull one of the million I've heard out of my head) "Oh you are so young to be a Mom!" I learned to say "OH no these are my sisters not my kids!" .

Even more recently when Grace was near a year old, I was getting my hair done at a shop while I was in Texas visiting. My Sister ten years my junior was holding Grace, the hairdresser asked me. are you ready? remember I am like twenty six years old. drum roll "Is that your granddaughter!". I seriously wanted to walk right out of that place, hair undone and all and never come back. Now of course the lady was talking about Grace and not my Sister. I am sure she thought Grace was my Sisters child but REALLY? I mean REALLY? I have referred to myself as old ever since.

When God asked me to give up going to college away from home I got really angry. It took a while to wrap my head around. I had dreams of moving across the country to Boston to attend college. I had never envisioned myself living at home throughout my young adult life. The time I was suppose to go out into the world and become an adult. He wanted me at home to help my family. He wanted me to sacrifice the most important days of my life. My Dreams of schooling, of moving far from home, my dreams of writing music. He required me to lay my dreams on his alter. He was asking me to give them to him. My dreams I had held since I was a child.  He asked me to be there for my family and die to myself. I chose to and although I will not be rewarded this side of heaven. I can be assured that maybe, just maybe he will say to me "Good job my daughter, well done!" and that my friends will make that hairdressers question worth it!

What are you sacrificing for the cross? Is God asking you to give up something up for his purpose? If he is how can I pray for you?

Storms, Storms Everywhere!

I am not a fan of tornado season. When I was 17 an EF-5(which is the highest on the scale) tornado ripped through a town just south of where I grew up and was living. I remember the day well I was sick with strep throat and tonsillitis. The whole town was ripped off the map. So since then I have been even more apprehensive when it comes to stormy weather.

This year has been a really bad year for tornadoes here in the midwest not to mention in the South as well. An EF-4 it the St. Louis area on Good Friday and just a couple days ago a large tornado hit Joplin and has devastated the town. The loss of life has been great, the loss of homes so severe, these people have nothing left but each other. These tragic events make me wonder what God is doing. I sit here writing and know that the weather people have predicted more storms and tornadoes today and tomorrow. God is sovereign. God is still in control. He is merciful. He is mighty. I pray his comfort will put a balm on the aching hearts.

"Sovereign LORD, my strong deliverer, you shield my head in the day of battle."

Psalm 140:7

Bedridden

This weekend has not gone as planned AT ALL! Friday morning my back went out and it went out good. It was the worst pain I've had EVER. I could barely walk and when I did walk I was literally screaming in pain. Thankfully I was able to get to the Chiropractor and start treatments. Praise the Lord for Chiropractors!  The whole back issue has reminded me of Paul and his thorn in his flesh. My back has been an issue since I fell down the stairs in college. The Emergency room diagnosed it as a sprain but years later I would find out that I had fractured a vertebrae and it had healed improperly. Not only that but the trauma to my spine and pregnancy had caused a herniated disc in my lumbar region. Talk about ouch!

So I've been in bed this weekend, well actually on the sofa trying to heal up so I can enjoy life again. I have a new found desire to get in shape and get these muscles stronger. Just the motivation I needed. I hope you are doing well but if you are struggling can I encourage you to spur on. Easier said than done I know. Can I lift you up to the Father? There is nothing I like more than to be down and praying so if you feel led to leave a request I will pray for you. Eyes on the prize! Keep running the race!

The Only One that Matters

There is a sense of vulnerability that came with posting my song across the web. I posted Carissa's Melody here on my blog and also shared it on a much more popular blog than my own. Not one person responded! Had my parents lied to me? Was I not really that good? Maybe my ears were telling a lie. The melody was beautiful wasn't it? It is humbling to share something so dear, to put myself out there and wonder if it had an impact. For something like this sharing it was like feeling naked. It felt like another rejection. My expectation was that I would have people say what a beautiful song it was but what I got instead was silence. Nothing. My day dreams were shattered. There I was wondering what on earth was going on and his voice, the voice that often came in silent times like the one I was currently experiencing, came ever so soft. Whose approval are you trying to win?  

It was the truth. I was trying to win the approval of those around me. Once again trying to fit in. Once again trying to gain acceptance when he had already embraced me. Trying to be popular when he had already fashioned me with a gift of playing music. I need to use my gifts. He desires me to use my gifts. He wants me to use them for his GLORY! I need to use them for HIM and not popularity. He may be the only one listening but he is the only one that counts. I will continue to play for my audience of one, for HE is the one that created me to play even if my songs are only heard by him.

 ^{Galatians 1:10-12(The message)}

Do you think I speak this strongly in order to manipulate crowds? Or curry favor with God? Or get popular applause? If my goal was popularity, I wouldn't bother being Christ's slave. Know this—I am most emphatic here, friends—this great Message I delivered to you is not mere human optimism. I didn't receive it through the traditions, and I wasn't taught it in some school. I got it straight from God, received the Message directly from Jesus Christ.

The eaten post

Blogger crashed and so with it went my post for today. I even had it scheduled! So instead

Listen to my song I wrote when I was around fifteen. It is a long story and I don't have time to write at the moment. I am happy to be playing again, playing my songs!

Feedback and a Thank You!

I am humbled that so many of you have emailed me to say how my blog postings have been ministering to you. In no way shape or form am I a writer so I know that everything is credited to God. While I am writing, often one handed, I often wonder if I am being to open and honest. It is good to know that God has used my honesty and vulnerability for his purpose. I so appreciate those little notes you send. They encourage me and usually come at a time when I need them. Again a God thing no doubt.
You guys rock!