You Lead, I'll follow

Oswald Chambers said, "Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One Who is leading."

There has been a lot of changes happening in our house lately. The changes started small with me stepping down from being a moderator from a forum I dearly love, then my weight loss journey started, then another small change and again another. The most recent is something I thought would never happen again and that is leaving Illinois. I have written about it numerous times how I have struggled with contentment here and written how God had given me what I needed to be content in all circumstances, things like snow and gardening had become my gifts.

I was content and happily looking forward to my five acres in the country and the little farm I had envisioned but my little world was disrupted last week when my husband told me he was updating his resume and posting it online. Lots of talking followed. Lots. The thought of uprooting my family scared me but the possibility of having the carrot dangled in front of me scared me more. You see we have had opportunities to move back to Texas a few times but never had felt peace about our decision so we turned down the positions. I groaned, moaned and even became angry at having to think about the possibility of moving to somewhere more desirable, somewhere like Texas, someplace where family was close.

I guess I don't need to say I have been desperately praying this week both hubby and I have. Two weeks ago moving wasn't even a speck on the radar but now it is a very real possibility. We are not sure what God is doing but we know for sure that he is doing something in our lives and we desire to obey him.

I know one thing for sure, I have seen evidence of God's leading looking back over our lives. Who puts their house up for sell in the worst market in housing history, finds out they are expecting, then finds out they are expecting twins and has the house sell three months later? Yes I have a big God and I do look forward to where God is going with this even if the ride keeps us here because I know no ride is pointless and there is always a lesson to learn.

Memorial Day!

This Weekend is Memorial Day weekend. I am trying very hard to instill in my kids love of country so during our Texas visit we got to visit Fort Hood which happens to be the area I grew up and also one the largest US military installations in the world. Ft. hood is also the place where hubby and I met.
Jonah and Micah besides a Japanese Tank.

 The kids and Dad wanted a picture of Daddy's military vehicle so they posed.

 Kerith loved this big truck she thought it was cool that she could stand under it.

Happy Memorial Day. I hope you find time to thank a service member for serving our country during your Memorial Day cookouts. We take much for granted in our country. God bless the USA.

Cheering

In my life I have struggled with how I process words. Without body language and seeing a person it is really hard for me to get a read on what a person is saying. First it was infertility then miscarriage and now it is weight loss. I never thought my weight loss journey would be an area people would find  things to say that would have a negative impact on me but I was wrong. I also realize that although the intent of some words are meant to encourage and build up they also can have the opposite affect. Yes, I am considered morbidly obese, I get that but it is one thing for me to say it and another for someone else to point it out. I don't need to be reminded how far I need to go. I don't need to be given pointers unless asked for. I need cheerleaders. I need cheers. Recently the comment "You must be feeling better" has seemed to pop up on numerous occasions and from numerous people. Now I know people have not intended to cause pain but let me share with you how I interpret that comment and it goes in like this "I'm glad you are finally doing something about how fat you are" I get that they have no idea how my mind processes things like this or maybe they do I am not sure but I am giving them the benefit of the doubt. The vulnerability I have right now dealing with my abuse issues is hard enough, the changes in my looks seem to be making me a bit more touchy and that comment doesn't take me anywhere I want to go. Was I a fat miserable person? I don't think I was or am. Do I have baggage. Yes what person doesn't. The losing weight battle has gone on for years, I've been trying for years and comments like "you must be feeling better" only remind me of my failure and the past. A simple you go girl would be perfectly fine. Cheerleaders cheer to keep their team moving and motivated, the cheers don't bring up the past only the future and what they know their team is capable of: Winning.

A Salvation Story

Our last night in Texas we had the most wonderful surprise, Jonah our five and half year old, gave his life to Christ. His Paw-paw had the privilege of praying with him and you could see the sparkle in his eyes. We had thought Jonah was getting close to making a decision about Jesus since he has been asking tons of questions about salvation and his older sister has been doing a fine job of witnessing to him. So on May 17th, 2012 we will now celebrate Jonah's birth into Christ. What an amazing gift. We look forward to watching what God has planned for his life.

Isn't she lovely?

While we were in Texas we had the opportunity to celebrate Grace's birthday with family. Smiles all around.

She loved the pool!

Happy Birthday to our beautiful daughter Grace! We prayed so very hard for you sweet girl and praise the Lord that God allowed us to be your parents. You are growing into quite the young lady. One who loves Jesus and loves teaching others about him. We hope you will continue to love Jesus with all your heart and spread his love to others. We love you sweet Grace! Mom and Dad.

Resurrection

You don't see me you never do, the chocolate eyes that pass right through.
Invisible I am to you, a love given but never received, a heart offered and never retrieved.
What do I hold if not you, what else can I give if my heart won't do.
An endless dream you haunt my mind, a cold wind but a place in time.

You don't see me you never do, the girl who stands in front of you.
There was a day I would cry because of your rejection but I have come to love the day of my resurrection. For what I offered you did not take and for that choice I am in a better place.

 -Carissa
(Dedicated to all my teenage friends feeling like love will never find them)
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Conversations with kids...

 April Edition:

Kerith looking at her swimsuit "I love my parachute" not sure why she thinks a swimsuit is a parachute. 

 Today in the van I helped Jonah with a word on hanging with friends he exclaimed "mom you are a genius!" when he spelled it correctly and the game accepted it. I will treasure these compliments because I am sure he will hate me in a few years from now.

The twins are in timeout in their bedrooms until my anger simmers down. They decided to take off their clothes and go for a swim in the bathtub(work out interruption number one) and then after I told them to get out they decided to get naked again and take a bath in the sink yes the sink and take all the kids toothbrushes and scrub the mirror with them. 

 Micah "Mom Mom we found a wholly wholly!" do you know what a wholly wholly is? Rollie Poly :)

  I posted these before but wanted to have all of them in one place.

Jonah before bed. "Mom tonight I am going to dream about desserts falling from the sky and you know what no adults will be allowed to eat it, only kids"

 Micah on the potty: "I need to go to my bathroom yours is not working" me: "Micah it has nothing to do with the potty you have to make yourself go pee pee it doesn't do it for you." Micah "uhh un yours needs batteries"

Searching for eggs

 Easter just passed. The kids were thoroughly excited about the three Easter eggs hunts they were able to participate in. I am not sure if they were more excited about finding the eggs themselves or the surprise inside.  Some pictures of our family hunt in our backyard. As you can see Taylor enjoyed finding the eggs too, she followed Micah around helping him sniff for eggs :D

Weight Loss Journey

I began a new program called Isagenix the last week of March. Today I have lost a total of 57 inches. Isagenix focuses you on ridding your body of toxins which is why they tell you to measure and not weigh because the scale can be all over the place as you go through the process. It has totally changed my life and I am so thankful that God has used this program in my life to help me get back to being healthy. Yes I still have a long road to go(Please don't say that to my face I already know!) but I am happy with how far I've come in the past 4 weeks. I am now entering week five. Hubby Eric is my biggest cheerleader a long with the rest of my ISA team. I am going from the Soccer mom sitting on the sidelines to the Soccer mom running around with the kids. I am going to do this. Watch me.

The road to healing

I've fought over this post for a while trying to put my words into sentences in order for it to make sense. Here is the bottom line. I was abused emotionally, verbally, and physically growing up. I am not sure why there is such shame in those words, why it has stayed hidden behind so many walls from the time I was released into adulthood. Oh and I know the questions that come to your mind like,"who did this to you?" but is it that important to know who if you really love and care for me? My answer is no.

I sat at my computer one day on facebook.  Another invitation to join a group to support someone going through a rough time. My third in the same day and seventh of the week. I moaned and anger broke through, Why did all these people ALWAYS want something from me? Didn't they know my head was barely above water? Then the voice came, my own voice They aren't mind readers you know, they know you will pray if nothing else and yet I was still angry. Angry that I was the faithful, loyal and obedient one, angry that my secret was something no one took as seriously as battling a physical illness. Where were all these people when I needed them? These same people cheering others onto the finish line were nowhere. I felt abandoned. After all what do you say to someone trying to heal from past abuse? How do you support them? How do you help them heal? Yeah, I don't know. I imagine it is a lot like grieving though. There have been days where I've just wanted someone to weep with me. There have been days when I have needed the affirmation that it is ok to be angry. There have been days when all I needed was someone to stop and pray with me. Years of carrying this secret because everyone thought my life was perfect, the perfect family, the perfect parents, the perfect life. Years of hurt and wounds from not being protected from my abuser. Anger over, if there were boundaries set the outcome might of been different. I will allow myself to feel the grief and the anger. I won't hide anymore in shame because people think my life is perfect when it has never been. I won't hide and keep holding this secret for fear of disappointing people. It is what God has given me, it is evil but I know God will make it good. I will let God use whatever he has planned for these scars for his Glory. I know he won't ever abandon me and I know he is carrying me now.

Hebrews 4:14-16 (The Message)

[ The High Priest Who Cried Out in Pain ] Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let's not let it slip through our fingers. We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.

I am taking HIS Mercy and accepting HIS help.

Yay me my April Transformation!

I am so proud I started Isagenix the very end of March 4 weeks later I have lost 52 inches! I am not entering week 5 and up to 57 inches, I am so very thankful that God put someone in my path that introduced me to this program! www.teamfulkerson.isagenix.com