I've fought over this post for a while trying to put my words into sentences in order for it to make sense. Here is the bottom line. I was abused emotionally, verbally, and physically growing up. I am not sure why there is such shame in those words, why it has stayed hidden behind so many walls from the time I was released into adulthood. Oh and I know the questions that come to your mind like,"who did this to you?" but is it that important to know who if you really love and care for me? My answer is no.
I sat at my computer one day on facebook. Another invitation to join a group to support someone going through a rough time. My third in the same day and seventh of the week. I moaned and anger broke through, Why did all these people ALWAYS want something from me? Didn't they know my head was barely above water? Then the voice came, my own voice They aren't mind readers you know, they know you will pray if nothing else and yet I was still angry. Angry that I was the faithful, loyal and obedient one, angry that my secret was something no one took as seriously as battling a physical illness. Where were all these people when I needed them? These same people cheering others onto the finish line were nowhere. I felt abandoned. After all what do you say to someone trying to heal from past abuse? How do you support them? How do you help them heal? Yeah, I don't know. I imagine it is a lot like grieving though. There have been days where I've just wanted someone to weep with me. There have been days when I have needed the affirmation that it is ok to be angry. There have been days when all I needed was someone to stop and pray with me. Years of carrying this secret because everyone thought my life was perfect, the perfect family, the perfect parents, the perfect life. Years of hurt and wounds from not being protected from my abuser. Anger over, if there were boundaries set the outcome might of been different. I will allow myself to feel the grief and the anger. I won't hide anymore in shame because people think my life is perfect when it has never been. I won't hide and keep holding this secret for fear of disappointing people. It is what God has given me, it is evil but I know God will make it good. I will let God use whatever he has planned for these scars for his Glory. I know he won't ever abandon me and I know he is carrying me now.
Hebrews 4:14-16 (The Message)
[ The High Priest Who Cried Out in Pain ] Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let's not let it slip through our fingers. We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.I am taking HIS Mercy and accepting HIS help.
