Beautifully Broken

I wrote this poem shortly after the loss of our first child Aj eleven years ago today.

There is a child in heaven tonight, one I carried in my womb but one I never knew 

A child resting in the arms of Jesus or maybe sitting at his feet.

A child I loved dearly but never got to meet.
I am sure she is singing with the Angels

          or playing on some gold paved street
 The Lord said she was too beautiful for earth to ever greet  
There is a child in heaven who I am sure is looking down at me and quietly she whispers

"Mommy you gave me these wings"

-Carissa R. Fulkerson

This morning I was able to pen these words.

There is beauty in brokenness and we are
often too blinded to see.

A small crack, a new shape, points back to
His majesty.

There is beauty in our suffering
a story to be told.

What glory is given if we 
allow His way to unfold.

There is beauty in brokenness if we surrender 
at His feet.

A life entrusted to his care will never meet defeat.

-Carissa R. Fulkerson


Eleven years have passed since my first child died in my womb. There is not a day that goes by that I forget. I don't bring these memories up for my sake. Memories are all I have to hang onto until heaven. I bring these memories up because I have experienced the loneliness of infertility, the loneliness of loss, the loneliness of miscarriage. The devastation of infertility, the frustration of infertility, the suffering. I only wish someone would remember what today IS for my sake but I know it is forgotten. It is ok. Life did not change for them like it did me. They didn't have the chance to bond and to love my baby like I did.

Today is the birthday of my first child. Today is the day eleven years ago when I first experienced death in a way I had never experienced. What good can come from death? What good from my suffering? What beauty from my brokenness? For His glory. To reflect His perfect character in my life. I rejoice in that. Today I rejoice that my child is in heaven and I will meet him there.
Today I rejoice that God loved me so much that he used Aj to impact my life in so many ways. Compassion and empathy for other Moms experiencing loss. Compassion and empathy for Women in the midst of infertility. A greater desire to know Him. A deeper desire to show his compassion to others. God will use it for His glory. I might not see all the ways if any at all but I trust in His perfect character that he will use it for His purpose. A small crack, a new shape, it all points back to his Majesty. 

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith[b] into this grace in which we stand, and we[c] rejoice[d] in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:1-5

The Miracle God is working part 2.

I just recently got back from a women's retreat. The speaker was Kori de Leon who also is the author of the book Adoring Christ.(order it and read it, you WILL NOT regret it!)  I felt the tug on my heart from God to get out of my comfort zone and go, and whenever he tugs I always tug back with my whining. It is a scenario I see a lot in my kids  when they are asked to do their chores. God is funny like that showing me my own attitudes in my kids, anyway I digress. Everyone knows I am an introvert so retreats are really not my thing. A group of people usually equates to panic in me. It often makes me feel like I am in the 8th grade again and I am the new girl walking into the lunch room. (not that I would know anything about that since I was homeschooled but it's how I imagine it, HA!) There was also the financial aspect I was worried about but God worked it out financially so I went.  I thought God was calling me out of my comfort zone and of course that happened as well but I don't think it was THE reason God wanted me to go. There were actually many but here is one of them I wanted to share as it pairs well with what God has been doing in our life as a couple.

God is so Great and funny knowing what Eric and I have been experiencing these past few months with the call to ministry. I wrote a few months back about how God has been calling out to both of us to pursue him and maybe even change career paths. You can find that post here The Miracle God is working. One of the first opening statements from our speaker Kori de Leon was, "What makes God so great that people leave their careers and relationships for him?" and it was then I knew "Yes God has something to say to me this weekend."

This year God has been speaking a lot to Eric and I. At the retreat he found me in the bathroom of all places, brushing my teeth, he is never loud but he does have his way of grabbing my attention. Have you noticed that? Very quietly God said "I am going to give you a platform and you are going to tell your story." My reaction was very different from when Eric told me about his call to ministry. I wasn't shocked but in awe. A platform? What does that mean? What kind of platform? I don't know what it all means but I know it confirms to me again that this journey my husband and I are on is headed in the right direction. God is using my weaknesses helping me become more social. I am much comfortable in my own corner and my story has a lot of components, a lot of hurt, a lot of devastation, a lot of tears, and a lot of questions, a lot of shame because of expectations I could not attain but it also holds a story of redemption and restoration and God wants me to tell it for the only purpose that it will bring glory to Him. Whether that platform be one person or before a crowd I can no longer keep my story to myself. For the first time in my WHOLE life I am excited to tell the story of Carissa because I now know the purpose in my imperfect story is to bring my Savior glory.