Beautifully Broken

I wrote this poem shortly after the loss of our first child Aj eleven years ago today.

There is a child in heaven tonight, one I carried in my womb but one I never knew 

A child resting in the arms of Jesus or maybe sitting at his feet.

A child I loved dearly but never got to meet.
I am sure she is singing with the Angels

          or playing on some gold paved street
 The Lord said she was too beautiful for earth to ever greet  
There is a child in heaven who I am sure is looking down at me and quietly she whispers

"Mommy you gave me these wings"

-Carissa R. Fulkerson

This morning I was able to pen these words.

There is beauty in brokenness and we are
often too blinded to see.

A small crack, a new shape, points back to
His majesty.

There is beauty in our suffering
a story to be told.

What glory is given if we 
allow His way to unfold.

There is beauty in brokenness if we surrender 
at His feet.

A life entrusted to his care will never meet defeat.

-Carissa R. Fulkerson


Eleven years have passed since my first child died in my womb. There is not a day that goes by that I forget. I don't bring these memories up for my sake. Memories are all I have to hang onto until heaven. I bring these memories up because I have experienced the loneliness of infertility, the loneliness of loss, the loneliness of miscarriage. The devastation of infertility, the frustration of infertility, the suffering. I only wish someone would remember what today IS for my sake but I know it is forgotten. It is ok. Life did not change for them like it did me. They didn't have the chance to bond and to love my baby like I did.

Today is the birthday of my first child. Today is the day eleven years ago when I first experienced death in a way I had never experienced. What good can come from death? What good from my suffering? What beauty from my brokenness? For His glory. To reflect His perfect character in my life. I rejoice in that. Today I rejoice that my child is in heaven and I will meet him there.
Today I rejoice that God loved me so much that he used Aj to impact my life in so many ways. Compassion and empathy for other Moms experiencing loss. Compassion and empathy for Women in the midst of infertility. A greater desire to know Him. A deeper desire to show his compassion to others. God will use it for His glory. I might not see all the ways if any at all but I trust in His perfect character that he will use it for His purpose. A small crack, a new shape, it all points back to his Majesty. 

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith[b] into this grace in which we stand, and we[c] rejoice[d] in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:1-5

Bust a Myth: All reproductive endocrinologists are the same.

It had been almost six months since I had been to Dr. W's office. Our last visit he released me into the hands of my OB thinking that this baby would be our take home baby. He was wrong.  Our loss happened about a month after my last visit with him when we saw the tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound screen.

All the numbers looked good, the baby looked good, everything was going according to plan. After my miscarriage my husband and I took a break from trying. We were exhausted emotionally and physically, we just needed some time.

So there I sat waiting in his office yet again for another ultrasound. This time to check follicles so we could do another cycle.

He walked in with tears in his eyes and the softest voice and said "I'm so sorry."

Three words that meant SO much to me.

No one was saying anything and if they did it was the same thing over and over. There would be other babies, you are young, you have plenty of time. His tears were a balm to my aching heart and his words a reminder that someone got it. Someone understood.

Someone saw my baby and valued the few weeks of life we shared. A Doctor. A Specialty doctor. A far cry from the OB that called my baby an embryo and left me feeling cold and bitter. There were no overused sentiments. He truly understood.

He will always hold a special place in my heart. For a Doctor to show emotion was a first for me. Usually the doctors I've come across have been cold and crass. Not this man. He is proof that not all doctors are unfeeling and unsympathetic. He valued me and more importantly he valued the life I carried even if I only carried the life for a few weeks.

Infertility 101

April 24-30th Is National Infertility Awareness Week if you would like more information please click here

My Story Part 2

It was a bright sunny April day. April 22nd to be exact. The birds were singing, all of God's marvelous creation was in bloom and I was off to my Doctors office for a check up on our baby.  My heart was anxious, I had been so sick the very first weeks of the pregnancy and now was feeling better. I remember it very clearly. The day was spectacular. I waited several minutes in the waiting area before my name was called, Eric was with me and we were placed in a boring white room with a bunch of medical equipment.

The ultrasound started ok. I mean how many times do you get to prop up your legs in stirrups and have an internal ultrasound? The answer A LOT when you are dealing with infertility and getting treated. The Doctor was very silent. I heard her clear her throat and say " I am sorry Carissa but there is no heartbeat. It looks as though the embryo died around seven weeks." Embryo. Died. My baby was dead and to the Doctor all he was was an embryo. So cold, so matter-of-fact, so unsympathetic. In the following few minutes she filled me in on my choices and gave me my orders. I spent 36 hours knowing I was carrying my dead baby inside my womb before my miscarriage started. It started about an hour before my surgery was scheduled to remove the baby.

I woke up from anesthesia with the most empty feeling. The numbness I had been feeling was starting to turn into anger. I was angry at the world and angry at God. I felt betrayed. Here my husband and I went before him asking for healing and he took my baby! What kind of God was he? My bitterness grew and I fell into a very dark place. This world did not care if I lost my baby. I heard many comments " There will be others", " Your are still so young", "Better now than later in the pregnancy." The world treated me as if I should just move on, move on like they were, but I wasn't moving on. How could I? My baby was gone. The baby I so desperately prayed for, the baby I begged God for time and time again. I remember yelling "Where are you God!!" many times. The people that claimed they loved me were nowhere to be found. Where was my comfort? Where were the people who were suppose to cry with me? Nowhere.

I can look back on that time in my life and see things that God provided. I was newly married and living in a new state and dealing with infertility and now the loss of my child. A friend sent me a link to an online community forum called Hannah's Prayer. At the time I did not know that one of the founders also shared something in common with how I grew up, she was also a MK(missionary kid) and not only that but her parents were missionaries with the same organization as my parents! Neato! The community has been a blessing to me. Fast forward almost 7 years and look what God has done. I just happen to be on the moderating team of Hannah's Prayer and not only that but I am honored to be a part of their new ministry launching April 25th called Held Yes God is amazing. He continues to turn my sorrow and pain into something that brings him glory!

My Story part 1.

April is Infertility Awareness month. Infertility and loss are a part of the journey God has given me. I will be sharing my story in the next few weeks with certain posts. My hope and prayer is that it will bring comfort to those hurting and a glimpse into the heart of who I am. I hope my story will bring glory to my Father in heaven.

Kids were always a part of Eric and my plan after we got married. I grew up in large family as did he and we both wanted at least three kids. I look back and think we were very naive. I started charting my cycles about a year after we were married and noticed I wasn't ovulating. Fast forward a few months and the diagnoses of PCOS(Poly Cystic Ovarian Symdrome), saw my OBGYN and she put me on clomid which in two cycles it was confirmed that I wasn't ovulating. Fast forward a little more and enter a Reproductive Endocrinologist or an RE he added some additional treatments. More drugs and shots. This wasn't a part of our plan. Having kids was suppose to be easy. You weren't suppose to have to plan sex, take medications and yes I mean more than one, and get shots! It was life changing. A stress on our marriage, a stress in our relationships with others.

In February of 2004 we decided to approach our elders and Pastor and have them pray and anoint us with oil as it says to do in James 5. I came before the Lord broken and humbled. Broken in spirit and broken in body.
Two weeks later I finally got my miracle. We found out we were pregnant with our first child. We were elated and couldn't wait to tell people. Finally! We would be parents but little did we know what God had in store for us. How little we knew.