Beautifully Broken

I wrote this poem shortly after the loss of our first child Aj eleven years ago today.

There is a child in heaven tonight, one I carried in my womb but one I never knew 

A child resting in the arms of Jesus or maybe sitting at his feet.

A child I loved dearly but never got to meet.
I am sure she is singing with the Angels

          or playing on some gold paved street
 The Lord said she was too beautiful for earth to ever greet  
There is a child in heaven who I am sure is looking down at me and quietly she whispers

"Mommy you gave me these wings"

-Carissa R. Fulkerson

This morning I was able to pen these words.

There is beauty in brokenness and we are
often too blinded to see.

A small crack, a new shape, points back to
His majesty.

There is beauty in our suffering
a story to be told.

What glory is given if we 
allow His way to unfold.

There is beauty in brokenness if we surrender 
at His feet.

A life entrusted to his care will never meet defeat.

-Carissa R. Fulkerson


Eleven years have passed since my first child died in my womb. There is not a day that goes by that I forget. I don't bring these memories up for my sake. Memories are all I have to hang onto until heaven. I bring these memories up because I have experienced the loneliness of infertility, the loneliness of loss, the loneliness of miscarriage. The devastation of infertility, the frustration of infertility, the suffering. I only wish someone would remember what today IS for my sake but I know it is forgotten. It is ok. Life did not change for them like it did me. They didn't have the chance to bond and to love my baby like I did.

Today is the birthday of my first child. Today is the day eleven years ago when I first experienced death in a way I had never experienced. What good can come from death? What good from my suffering? What beauty from my brokenness? For His glory. To reflect His perfect character in my life. I rejoice in that. Today I rejoice that my child is in heaven and I will meet him there.
Today I rejoice that God loved me so much that he used Aj to impact my life in so many ways. Compassion and empathy for other Moms experiencing loss. Compassion and empathy for Women in the midst of infertility. A greater desire to know Him. A deeper desire to show his compassion to others. God will use it for His glory. I might not see all the ways if any at all but I trust in His perfect character that he will use it for His purpose. A small crack, a new shape, it all points back to his Majesty. 

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith[b] into this grace in which we stand, and we[c] rejoice[d] in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:1-5

You Lead, I'll follow

Oswald Chambers said, "Faith never knows where it is being led, but it loves and knows the One Who is leading."

There has been a lot of changes happening in our house lately. The changes started small with me stepping down from being a moderator from a forum I dearly love, then my weight loss journey started, then another small change and again another. The most recent is something I thought would never happen again and that is leaving Illinois. I have written about it numerous times how I have struggled with contentment here and written how God had given me what I needed to be content in all circumstances, things like snow and gardening had become my gifts.

I was content and happily looking forward to my five acres in the country and the little farm I had envisioned but my little world was disrupted last week when my husband told me he was updating his resume and posting it online. Lots of talking followed. Lots. The thought of uprooting my family scared me but the possibility of having the carrot dangled in front of me scared me more. You see we have had opportunities to move back to Texas a few times but never had felt peace about our decision so we turned down the positions. I groaned, moaned and even became angry at having to think about the possibility of moving to somewhere more desirable, somewhere like Texas, someplace where family was close.

I guess I don't need to say I have been desperately praying this week both hubby and I have. Two weeks ago moving wasn't even a speck on the radar but now it is a very real possibility. We are not sure what God is doing but we know for sure that he is doing something in our lives and we desire to obey him.

I know one thing for sure, I have seen evidence of God's leading looking back over our lives. Who puts their house up for sell in the worst market in housing history, finds out they are expecting, then finds out they are expecting twins and has the house sell three months later? Yes I have a big God and I do look forward to where God is going with this even if the ride keeps us here because I know no ride is pointless and there is always a lesson to learn.

Alien on earth

***this is a brutally honest post***

One Wednesday morning after dropping off the kids at school a song by Building 429 came on the radio called Where I belong the words of the first verse struck me hard.

Sometimes it feels like i'm watching from the outside Sometimes it feels like i'm breathing but am I alive I will keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

How many times in my life have I felt that I don't belong. Way to many. How many times have I felt recently that I don't belong? WAY to many. You see I hold rather strong convictions about certain things such as drinking alcohol. Often times even in the midst of Christian friends who love Christ as much as I do my convictions leave me feeling like an outsider, like I don't belong. It makes me sad that my convictions on drinking which in short are not to partake or be around alcohol period seem to be much more of an issue amongst my Christian friends. How often am I told drinking is not wrong. How often do I have to defend a conviction God has GIVEN ME. If he has not given you the same conviction I have no issue but for me and my personal walk with Christ alcohol is a stumbling block. It's temptation. It's scary. It's terrifying.

Why is it all those things? In short I have never seen alcohol used in a manner but destruction. Alcoholism runs rabid in my family line from Uncles to Grandparents. Time has yet to erase the memories of extended family members getting liquored up and rubbing their sexually aroused bodies against my own body in what was called a family embrace. Memories like that one arouse anger within me and most people will never know WHY. They are quick to judge, quick to tell me what the Bible says about drinking and quick to never find out why I feel the way I do. How many times have I been called a hypocrite and quoted Matthew 7:3-5

3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Why is it SO terribly hard for Christians to respect a fellow believers conviction? Oh no doubt I am the worst hypocrite and a heathen and oh so thankfully saved by the blood of Christ Jesus. I am no better than anyone and do not claim to be. It could be that Christ has given me this conviction to keep me feeling like an outsider, like I don't belong because I am NOT home YET.

Sometimes it feels like i'm watching from the outside Sometimes it feels like i'm breathing but am I alive I will keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

Disclaimer: If you hold the view that drinking is ok please do not take offense. This is MY view.

My Story part 1.

April is Infertility Awareness month. Infertility and loss are a part of the journey God has given me. I will be sharing my story in the next few weeks with certain posts. My hope and prayer is that it will bring comfort to those hurting and a glimpse into the heart of who I am. I hope my story will bring glory to my Father in heaven.

Kids were always a part of Eric and my plan after we got married. I grew up in large family as did he and we both wanted at least three kids. I look back and think we were very naive. I started charting my cycles about a year after we were married and noticed I wasn't ovulating. Fast forward a few months and the diagnoses of PCOS(Poly Cystic Ovarian Symdrome), saw my OBGYN and she put me on clomid which in two cycles it was confirmed that I wasn't ovulating. Fast forward a little more and enter a Reproductive Endocrinologist or an RE he added some additional treatments. More drugs and shots. This wasn't a part of our plan. Having kids was suppose to be easy. You weren't suppose to have to plan sex, take medications and yes I mean more than one, and get shots! It was life changing. A stress on our marriage, a stress in our relationships with others.

In February of 2004 we decided to approach our elders and Pastor and have them pray and anoint us with oil as it says to do in James 5. I came before the Lord broken and humbled. Broken in spirit and broken in body.
Two weeks later I finally got my miracle. We found out we were pregnant with our first child. We were elated and couldn't wait to tell people. Finally! We would be parents but little did we know what God had in store for us. How little we knew.