Beautifully Broken

I wrote this poem shortly after the loss of our first child Aj eleven years ago today.

There is a child in heaven tonight, one I carried in my womb but one I never knew 

A child resting in the arms of Jesus or maybe sitting at his feet.

A child I loved dearly but never got to meet.
I am sure she is singing with the Angels

          or playing on some gold paved street
 The Lord said she was too beautiful for earth to ever greet  
There is a child in heaven who I am sure is looking down at me and quietly she whispers

"Mommy you gave me these wings"

-Carissa R. Fulkerson

This morning I was able to pen these words.

There is beauty in brokenness and we are
often too blinded to see.

A small crack, a new shape, points back to
His majesty.

There is beauty in our suffering
a story to be told.

What glory is given if we 
allow His way to unfold.

There is beauty in brokenness if we surrender 
at His feet.

A life entrusted to his care will never meet defeat.

-Carissa R. Fulkerson


Eleven years have passed since my first child died in my womb. There is not a day that goes by that I forget. I don't bring these memories up for my sake. Memories are all I have to hang onto until heaven. I bring these memories up because I have experienced the loneliness of infertility, the loneliness of loss, the loneliness of miscarriage. The devastation of infertility, the frustration of infertility, the suffering. I only wish someone would remember what today IS for my sake but I know it is forgotten. It is ok. Life did not change for them like it did me. They didn't have the chance to bond and to love my baby like I did.

Today is the birthday of my first child. Today is the day eleven years ago when I first experienced death in a way I had never experienced. What good can come from death? What good from my suffering? What beauty from my brokenness? For His glory. To reflect His perfect character in my life. I rejoice in that. Today I rejoice that my child is in heaven and I will meet him there.
Today I rejoice that God loved me so much that he used Aj to impact my life in so many ways. Compassion and empathy for other Moms experiencing loss. Compassion and empathy for Women in the midst of infertility. A greater desire to know Him. A deeper desire to show his compassion to others. God will use it for His glory. I might not see all the ways if any at all but I trust in His perfect character that he will use it for His purpose. A small crack, a new shape, it all points back to his Majesty. 

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith[b] into this grace in which we stand, and we[c] rejoice[d] in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:1-5

He Never Forgets: Guest Post on Held

I had the honor and privilege to write a guest post for Held and TODAY is the big day that it goes live.
Each word that was written came from God. It is only a part of my story. Only a part of what God has done in life. My prayer is that God will use it in someone's life for his Glory.

Bust a Myth: All reproductive endocrinologists are the same.

It had been almost six months since I had been to Dr. W's office. Our last visit he released me into the hands of my OB thinking that this baby would be our take home baby. He was wrong.  Our loss happened about a month after my last visit with him when we saw the tiny heartbeat on the ultrasound screen.

All the numbers looked good, the baby looked good, everything was going according to plan. After my miscarriage my husband and I took a break from trying. We were exhausted emotionally and physically, we just needed some time.

So there I sat waiting in his office yet again for another ultrasound. This time to check follicles so we could do another cycle.

He walked in with tears in his eyes and the softest voice and said "I'm so sorry."

Three words that meant SO much to me.

No one was saying anything and if they did it was the same thing over and over. There would be other babies, you are young, you have plenty of time. His tears were a balm to my aching heart and his words a reminder that someone got it. Someone understood.

Someone saw my baby and valued the few weeks of life we shared. A Doctor. A Specialty doctor. A far cry from the OB that called my baby an embryo and left me feeling cold and bitter. There were no overused sentiments. He truly understood.

He will always hold a special place in my heart. For a Doctor to show emotion was a first for me. Usually the doctors I've come across have been cold and crass. Not this man. He is proof that not all doctors are unfeeling and unsympathetic. He valued me and more importantly he valued the life I carried even if I only carried the life for a few weeks.

Infertility 101

April 24-30th Is National Infertility Awareness Week if you would like more information please click here