It was a bright sunny April day. April 22nd to be exact. The birds were singing, all of God's marvelous creation was in bloom and I was off to my Doctors office for a check up on our baby. My heart was anxious, I had been so sick the very first weeks of the pregnancy and now was feeling better. I remember it very clearly. The day was spectacular. I waited several minutes in the waiting area before my name was called, Eric was with me and we were placed in a boring white room with a bunch of medical equipment.
The ultrasound started ok. I mean how many times do you get to prop up your legs in stirrups and have an internal ultrasound? The answer A LOT when you are dealing with infertility and getting treated. The Doctor was very silent. I heard her clear her throat and say " I am sorry Carissa but there is no heartbeat. It looks as though the embryo died around seven weeks." Embryo. Died. My baby was dead and to the Doctor all he was was an embryo. So cold, so matter-of-fact, so unsympathetic. In the following few minutes she filled me in on my choices and gave me my orders. I spent 36 hours knowing I was carrying my dead baby inside my womb before my miscarriage started. It started about an hour before my surgery was scheduled to remove the baby.
I woke up from anesthesia with the most empty feeling. The numbness I had been feeling was starting to turn into anger. I was angry at the world and angry at God. I felt betrayed. Here my husband and I went before him asking for healing and he took my baby! What kind of God was he? My bitterness grew and I fell into a very dark place. This world did not care if I lost my baby. I heard many comments " There will be others", " Your are still so young", "Better now than later in the pregnancy." The world treated me as if I should just move on, move on like they were, but I wasn't moving on. How could I? My baby was gone. The baby I so desperately prayed for, the baby I begged God for time and time again. I remember yelling "Where are you God!!" many times. The people that claimed they loved me were nowhere to be found. Where was my comfort? Where were the people who were suppose to cry with me? Nowhere.
I can look back on that time in my life and see things that God provided. I was newly married and living in a new state and dealing with infertility and now the loss of my child. A friend sent me a link to an online community forum called Hannah's Prayer. At the time I did not know that one of the founders also shared something in common with how I grew up, she was also a MK(missionary kid) and not only that but her parents were missionaries with the same organization as my parents! Neato! The community has been a blessing to me. Fast forward almost 7 years and look what God has done. I just happen to be on the moderating team of Hannah's Prayer and not only that but I am honored to be a part of their new ministry launching April 25th called Held Yes God is amazing. He continues to turn my sorrow and pain into something that brings him glory!
