Soapbox minute Rape and Abuse

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and decided to write this. My hope is that it will help others know how to minister to families that are going through the devastating hurt of sexual abuse or rape.This is only my perspective and what I have felt, seen, and dealt with this past year. I am in no way an expert only speaking about my experience and what I wish I would of have gotten from my friends and Christian community.

My rose colored glasses have been opened. My sister was attacked twice, raped once and only a hand full of people reached out to me. Yes they said they would pray but not one stopped what they were doing to pray WITH me. You see there is more hurting than just the rape victim, there is the family. The family that feels helpless, the family that feels like the world is spinning out of control, the family who wants nothing more than the person they love to get back what was lost knowing they never will. I watched numerous facebook groups started to pray for so and so mostly dealing with sickness or death. Every time I was added to a group my burden would get heavier. I am the type of person who carries my own weight and the weight of the world. Other peoples grief affects me deeply. I could of left the groups but didn't because in my mind it would be letting weakness show.

Maybe I should of taken it upon myself to start a group for my sister but I was to stricken with anger and overcome with  my emotions to think clearly.  Looking back I wished I had, it may have given me an outlet to express my grief. It is grief you know. Just like experiencing a death in the family. Death is not easy to talk about and many people don't know how to handle that grief. Rape is taboo. So taboo. Sexual abuse is taboo.  We are not educated enough in dealing with rape and sexual abuse. We are taught through media that maybe it was the victims fault. I have seen first hand how our justice system works and how it treats the victim. They are scrutinized. People will go to extremes to make it sound like the victim deserved this treatment,  that some how the victim was some way responsible.

 I have seen gossip about my family, I have seen questions asked whether or not it was my sisters fault, I have seen people look the other way hoping not to make eye contact, I have been asked for the details of the event, I have seen the judgement, I have seen people walk the other way. I know when tragedy strikes it is hard to gauge what to say and what not to say but don't let THAT fear keep you from reaching out.

These are my thoughts on reaching out:

1. Pray with them. Take their hand and pray. After you leave and are back in your own home pray some more.

2. Offer meals or any help they may need. just like in death the trauma and shock take a while to wear off and then after the shock wears off the grief sets in.

3. If social media is a big part of your Church/Christian community why not start a private prayer group for the family and victim.(you may want to ask permission first, some people are very private people)

4. Do ask if they need anything. Don't ask for details. Allow them to open up as they see fit.

5. Be aware that there will be lots of anger. Lots and lots of anger. Allow them the freedom to be angry. I repeat allow them the freedom to be angry.

6. Be angry and hurt with them and in that let them see your tears so they will know they are not alone in their grief. Isolation plays a huge part in how dealing with these type of events feels.

7. Time. The grief, shock, and trauma don't just go away and wear off. Just like any tragic event, it is life changing, there will never be back to normal just a new normal.

These are just a few of my thoughts and tips. God does give us more than we can handle and with that we make the choice to rely more on him. If you know someone going through something similar please reach out. Please offer them compassion. Please offer them grace and please bring them before the throne of Jesus.

The road to healing

I've fought over this post for a while trying to put my words into sentences in order for it to make sense. Here is the bottom line. I was abused emotionally, verbally, and physically growing up. I am not sure why there is such shame in those words, why it has stayed hidden behind so many walls from the time I was released into adulthood. Oh and I know the questions that come to your mind like,"who did this to you?" but is it that important to know who if you really love and care for me? My answer is no.

I sat at my computer one day on facebook.  Another invitation to join a group to support someone going through a rough time. My third in the same day and seventh of the week. I moaned and anger broke through, Why did all these people ALWAYS want something from me? Didn't they know my head was barely above water? Then the voice came, my own voice They aren't mind readers you know, they know you will pray if nothing else and yet I was still angry. Angry that I was the faithful, loyal and obedient one, angry that my secret was something no one took as seriously as battling a physical illness. Where were all these people when I needed them? These same people cheering others onto the finish line were nowhere. I felt abandoned. After all what do you say to someone trying to heal from past abuse? How do you support them? How do you help them heal? Yeah, I don't know. I imagine it is a lot like grieving though. There have been days where I've just wanted someone to weep with me. There have been days when I have needed the affirmation that it is ok to be angry. There have been days when all I needed was someone to stop and pray with me. Years of carrying this secret because everyone thought my life was perfect, the perfect family, the perfect parents, the perfect life. Years of hurt and wounds from not being protected from my abuser. Anger over, if there were boundaries set the outcome might of been different. I will allow myself to feel the grief and the anger. I won't hide anymore in shame because people think my life is perfect when it has never been. I won't hide and keep holding this secret for fear of disappointing people. It is what God has given me, it is evil but I know God will make it good. I will let God use whatever he has planned for these scars for his Glory. I know he won't ever abandon me and I know he is carrying me now.

Hebrews 4:14-16 (The Message)

[ The High Priest Who Cried Out in Pain ] Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let's not let it slip through our fingers. We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help.

I am taking HIS Mercy and accepting HIS help.