Stressfully exhausted

I don't have a lot of exciting things to write about. It's mostly the same. Not much change since my last post. Still living with my parents in central Texas while Eric works in San Antonio. Still don't have the Illinois house on the market. That has been one stress after the other. If you think about it pray for us. Our whole living situation revolves around the house being rented. I have been fighting a lot of my depression symptoms again and my family around me fails to understand that. The one person in my life, my husband, who understands me, and loves me through all my issues is gone and in a lot of ways he is the glue that holds me together. It's hard to remain focused and encouraged right now. I feel pulled in every direction imaginable. The expectations of family members is tough to deal with. Sharing my opinions seems to do more damage than good which is why I am here writing. I need a space, my own space. My own environment where I can freely express how I feel and what I am dealing with without the fear of angry rebuttal or hurting someones feelings. My expectations have not been met and that makes me angry. We've been here 4 weeks and our house still sits empty and not on the market because of issues with the property management company. Yeah it is probably all trivial things to you but it's ok. The recent events of my life have been intensely stressful on me, to the point this week I thought I might check into a mental hospital. I am exhausted. I am tired of stepping on toes, real toes. I am in a valley. I suppose I am learning whatever God is trying to get me to learn. Servanthood maybe? I am not sure yet. One thing is for sure change and I aren't friends and I am a lot weaker than I thought. I don't mean that to be negative but as factual. I am an intense introvert who thrives on space and is easily exhausted by external things. Eric and I got to spend a night in a free hotel together this past weekend. We had an appointment for our design for the house we are building(which is another thing that if the house in Illinois doesn't rent we will lose the house we are building) I was asleep by 8. I can't think of another time I had been so exhausted except right after the twins were born. Hopefully not to much longer here. I am so eager to get an apartment or something and be a family and start exploring our new home town but until the house in IL is rented well we are stuck. I am closing it out. It's Sunday night and I only have a few more hours with Eric before he wakes me up early in the morning to say goodbye for the week. Monday's always require lots of coffee.

Changes

*SIGH* is that a good enough post.

We're here, now what?

Four months ago Eric said God was leading him out of Illinois. We waited a long time and on September 18th found out we were moving to Texas. Here we are I and the kids are living in a small bedroom in my parents house in central Texas, Eric is three hours away in San Antonio working and living with a friend during the week. I am sure in a year or so I will look back on this time and laugh but right now it's not fun. I was comfortable in Illinois. I had every single comfort I wanted. But you got what you wanted right? I can hear those questions run through your mind. I am not sure one ever wants to be pulled out of their comfort zone but sure I am back in Texas the land that I love.

I had not envisioned the challenges I would face. Living with family who constantly has people in and out. I am an introvert so it is exhausting to have people coming and going. Yes as a kid it was the same way but I had my own space. Now my space also includes five children and two dogs. There is no 'me' time. I have thought a lot about running away from home this week.(this is a joke by the way)

and there is being without my husband and trying to go on with life with our five children who feel their Mom's emotions and are out of whack too.

Could it be worse? sure it could.

Saying Goodbye

Hopefully by the time this is posted we will be on the road to Texas. It has been a long wait. We finally found out if we were moving 10 days ago. It's been whirlwind with packing and packing but thankfully with the help of friends and family we got it all done. So we are off 5 kids, 4 adults, 2 dogs, a van and a 26ft truck!

Weight Loss Progress

In limbo

I don't know about you but I hate being in limbo. Where everything is stopped as you wait for the final decision. This is where my family is right now. Currently waiting to hear if we will be moving and relocating to Texas. I am praying we will hear soon, although we aren't expected to hear anything until later in the month. Everything is in limbo, if we go ahead and plan for the kids to go to their school it will be money lost, if we plan to homeschool and don't get the job then we lose the slots. Then there is the whole house situation and a slew of everything else. I need to remember to breathe. I don't do well in limbo. I never have ask my parents. This whole situation is eerily similar to one my husband took me on ten years ago right before we married.

He had just separated from the Army in May, no job but knew something awesome would come a long, and it did TWO weeks before we married in August he interviewed and AFTER we got back from our honeymoon he had an offer letter to come to Illinois.

This current showdown started back in May after returning from a trip to Texas. "Carissa I just feel God moving us" he said. Two weeks later his boss happens to mention to his boss that E was looking to relocate to Texas, less than forty eight hours later on our way to Texas for a family emergency E receives an email letting him know the hiring manager for the job in Texas would like to speak with him, less than forty eight hours after that an interview is set up and we just happen to be in Texas. He pretty much HAS the job but we have to wait and see IF the contract is accepted. The contract has technically already been accepted but someone messed up on the first one and forgot to put these 7 new positions one in which E interviewed for so they had to re-submit this time with E's resume included as well as six others. So we WAIT...and WAIT...

To be continued...hopefully sometime soon.

Nightmare

Oswald Chambers wrote “Before God can use a man greatly he must wound him deeply.” 

I've always known this to be true but this week I, along with my family were again wounded deeply. A young daughter, my little sister, a wonderful aunt was the victim of a violent sexual crime. Such news that knocks every word you have out of your mouth and only produces silence and groaning. Groaning only the Holy Spirit can interrupt for us. Such grief that leaves you curled in a ball weeping hysterically looking for ANY sign that God is still God.
Violated, wounded, helpless, heartbroken, and yet those terms do not come close to giving a clear picture of the pain. BUT...

There is ONE who knows and even if he feels so far away right now I KNOW he is HERE. 

^{Psalm 119: 49-50 
49} Remember your word to your servant
 for you have given me hope
 ⁵⁰ My comfort in my suffering is this: 
Your promise preserves my life.