I am humbled that so many of you have emailed me to say how my blog postings have been ministering to you. In no way shape or form am I a writer so I know that everything is credited to God. While I am writing, often one handed, I often wonder if I am being to open and honest. It is good to know that God has used my honesty and vulnerability for his purpose. I so appreciate those little notes you send. They encourage me and usually come at a time when I need them. Again a God thing no doubt.
You guys rock!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
My Story Part 2
It was a bright sunny April day. April 22nd to be exact. The birds were singing, all of God's marvelous creation was in bloom and I was off to my Doctors office for a check up on our baby. My heart was anxious, I had been so sick the very first weeks of the pregnancy and now was feeling better. I remember it very clearly. The day was spectacular. I waited several minutes in the waiting area before my name was called, Eric was with me and we were placed in a boring white room with a bunch of medical equipment.
The ultrasound started ok. I mean how many times do you get to prop up your legs in stirrups and have an internal ultrasound? The answer A LOT when you are dealing with infertility and getting treated. The Doctor was very silent. I heard her clear her throat and say " I am sorry Carissa but there is no heartbeat. It looks as though the embryo died around seven weeks." Embryo. Died. My baby was dead and to the Doctor all he was was an embryo. So cold, so matter-of-fact, so unsympathetic. In the following few minutes she filled me in on my choices and gave me my orders. I spent 36 hours knowing I was carrying my dead baby inside my womb before my miscarriage started. It started about an hour before my surgery was scheduled to remove the baby.
I woke up from anesthesia with the most empty feeling. The numbness I had been feeling was starting to turn into anger. I was angry at the world and angry at God. I felt betrayed. Here my husband and I went before him asking for healing and he took my baby! What kind of God was he? My bitterness grew and I fell into a very dark place. This world did not care if I lost my baby. I heard many comments " There will be others", " Your are still so young", "Better now than later in the pregnancy." The world treated me as if I should just move on, move on like they were, but I wasn't moving on. How could I? My baby was gone. The baby I so desperately prayed for, the baby I begged God for time and time again. I remember yelling "Where are you God!!" many times. The people that claimed they loved me were nowhere to be found. Where was my comfort? Where were the people who were suppose to cry with me? Nowhere.
I can look back on that time in my life and see things that God provided. I was newly married and living in a new state and dealing with infertility and now the loss of my child. A friend sent me a link to an online community forum called Hannah's Prayer. At the time I did not know that one of the founders also shared something in common with how I grew up, she was also a MK(missionary kid) and not only that but her parents were missionaries with the same organization as my parents! Neato! The community has been a blessing to me. Fast forward almost 7 years and look what God has done. I just happen to be on the moderating team of Hannah's Prayer and not only that but I am honored to be a part of their new ministry launching April 25th called Held Yes God is amazing. He continues to turn my sorrow and pain into something that brings him glory!
The ultrasound started ok. I mean how many times do you get to prop up your legs in stirrups and have an internal ultrasound? The answer A LOT when you are dealing with infertility and getting treated. The Doctor was very silent. I heard her clear her throat and say " I am sorry Carissa but there is no heartbeat. It looks as though the embryo died around seven weeks." Embryo. Died. My baby was dead and to the Doctor all he was was an embryo. So cold, so matter-of-fact, so unsympathetic. In the following few minutes she filled me in on my choices and gave me my orders. I spent 36 hours knowing I was carrying my dead baby inside my womb before my miscarriage started. It started about an hour before my surgery was scheduled to remove the baby.
I woke up from anesthesia with the most empty feeling. The numbness I had been feeling was starting to turn into anger. I was angry at the world and angry at God. I felt betrayed. Here my husband and I went before him asking for healing and he took my baby! What kind of God was he? My bitterness grew and I fell into a very dark place. This world did not care if I lost my baby. I heard many comments " There will be others", " Your are still so young", "Better now than later in the pregnancy." The world treated me as if I should just move on, move on like they were, but I wasn't moving on. How could I? My baby was gone. The baby I so desperately prayed for, the baby I begged God for time and time again. I remember yelling "Where are you God!!" many times. The people that claimed they loved me were nowhere to be found. Where was my comfort? Where were the people who were suppose to cry with me? Nowhere.
I can look back on that time in my life and see things that God provided. I was newly married and living in a new state and dealing with infertility and now the loss of my child. A friend sent me a link to an online community forum called Hannah's Prayer. At the time I did not know that one of the founders also shared something in common with how I grew up, she was also a MK(missionary kid) and not only that but her parents were missionaries with the same organization as my parents! Neato! The community has been a blessing to me. Fast forward almost 7 years and look what God has done. I just happen to be on the moderating team of Hannah's Prayer and not only that but I am honored to be a part of their new ministry launching April 25th called Held Yes God is amazing. He continues to turn my sorrow and pain into something that brings him glory!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
What happened while I went potty
It isn't as big as the BP oil spill but it was bad enough. The one minute I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to relieve the need I'd been holding for the past hour while feeding Titus and seeing to the needs of Micah and Kerith was about to explode. I gave Micah and Kerith their bowl of cereal with milk, everyone was quiet so I dashed off to the bathroom. I am not sure of the train of thought that followed, I know who the ring leader was she's chewing on her foot right now and Micah is following(Yes his Dad and I will have to work with him so he doesn't get misled as a big kid). I am not sure if they confused the milk for water or what but this is what happened while I was in the bathroom.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
My Story part 1.
April is Infertility Awareness month. Infertility and loss are a part of the journey God has given me. I will be sharing my story in the next few weeks with certain posts. My hope and prayer is that it will bring comfort to those hurting and a glimpse into the heart of who I am. I hope my story will bring glory to my Father in heaven.
Kids were always a part of Eric and my plan after we got married. I grew up in large family as did he and we both wanted at least three kids. I look back and think we were very naive. I started charting my cycles about a year after we were married and noticed I wasn't ovulating. Fast forward a few months and the diagnoses of PCOS(Poly Cystic Ovarian Symdrome), saw my OBGYN and she put me on clomid which in two cycles it was confirmed that I wasn't ovulating. Fast forward a little more and enter a Reproductive Endocrinologist or an RE he added some additional treatments. More drugs and shots. This wasn't a part of our plan. Having kids was suppose to be easy. You weren't suppose to have to plan sex, take medications and yes I mean more than one, and get shots! It was life changing. A stress on our marriage, a stress in our relationships with others.
In February of 2004 we decided to approach our elders and Pastor and have them pray and anoint us with oil as it says to do in James 5. I came before the Lord broken and humbled. Broken in spirit and broken in body.
Two weeks later I finally got my miracle. We found out we were pregnant with our first child. We were elated and couldn't wait to tell people. Finally! We would be parents but little did we know what God had in store for us. How little we knew.
Kids were always a part of Eric and my plan after we got married. I grew up in large family as did he and we both wanted at least three kids. I look back and think we were very naive. I started charting my cycles about a year after we were married and noticed I wasn't ovulating. Fast forward a few months and the diagnoses of PCOS(Poly Cystic Ovarian Symdrome), saw my OBGYN and she put me on clomid which in two cycles it was confirmed that I wasn't ovulating. Fast forward a little more and enter a Reproductive Endocrinologist or an RE he added some additional treatments. More drugs and shots. This wasn't a part of our plan. Having kids was suppose to be easy. You weren't suppose to have to plan sex, take medications and yes I mean more than one, and get shots! It was life changing. A stress on our marriage, a stress in our relationships with others.
In February of 2004 we decided to approach our elders and Pastor and have them pray and anoint us with oil as it says to do in James 5. I came before the Lord broken and humbled. Broken in spirit and broken in body.
Two weeks later I finally got my miracle. We found out we were pregnant with our first child. We were elated and couldn't wait to tell people. Finally! We would be parents but little did we know what God had in store for us. How little we knew.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Message in a Picture
1 Corinthians 1:3-5
3-5All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us. We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Carissa Uncensored
In all honesty today I am unhappy and heartbroken. Today I keep hearing those voices inside my head that tell me I am worthless, unloved, and unimportant. I feel judged, lost, and broken. I am trying hard to find a rainbow but at this point the clouds haven't cleared. Today I need to be reminded of my Creator.Today I need to be reminded of his love. I need to be in his presence and let him love on me. I need to jump in his lap and let his arms surround me. I need to see myself through his eyes. Oh how I need him. I am trying my best to hang on to his promises, trying to remember I am dearly loved and treasured. I want to indulge in something like chocolate or coffee to mask the pain but I know it isn't worth how I will feel later. I know that peoples actions did not intend to bring pain but it did and it made me feel like I still a girl on the outside looking in. How I long to be accepted and loved by others. How I long to be enough but the truth is I feel I am never enough. They are feelings and I know I am not to trust feelings but they are still there. My prayer today.
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
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