Healing Words

Teach my heart to fly

teach my heart to soar

teach my heart to put off the ways of this world.

Teach my heart obedience

Teach my heart love

Teach my heart truth

Teach my heart You.

Teach my heart to have mercy

Teach my heart to have grace

Teach my heart to surrender

Teach my heart to seek your face.

Teach my heart the speak

Teach my heart to be silent

Teach my heart to sing

Teach my heart, You are King.

Teach my heart to fly

Teach my heart to soar

Teach my heart to desire you more.

-Carissa Fulkerson

Beautifully Broken

I wrote this poem shortly after the loss of our first child Aj eleven years ago today.

There is a child in heaven tonight, one I carried in my womb but one I never knew 

A child resting in the arms of Jesus or maybe sitting at his feet.

A child I loved dearly but never got to meet.
I am sure she is singing with the Angels

          or playing on some gold paved street
 The Lord said she was too beautiful for earth to ever greet  
There is a child in heaven who I am sure is looking down at me and quietly she whispers

"Mommy you gave me these wings"

-Carissa R. Fulkerson

This morning I was able to pen these words.

There is beauty in brokenness and we are
often too blinded to see.

A small crack, a new shape, points back to
His majesty.

There is beauty in our suffering
a story to be told.

What glory is given if we 
allow His way to unfold.

There is beauty in brokenness if we surrender 
at His feet.

A life entrusted to his care will never meet defeat.

-Carissa R. Fulkerson


Eleven years have passed since my first child died in my womb. There is not a day that goes by that I forget. I don't bring these memories up for my sake. Memories are all I have to hang onto until heaven. I bring these memories up because I have experienced the loneliness of infertility, the loneliness of loss, the loneliness of miscarriage. The devastation of infertility, the frustration of infertility, the suffering. I only wish someone would remember what today IS for my sake but I know it is forgotten. It is ok. Life did not change for them like it did me. They didn't have the chance to bond and to love my baby like I did.

Today is the birthday of my first child. Today is the day eleven years ago when I first experienced death in a way I had never experienced. What good can come from death? What good from my suffering? What beauty from my brokenness? For His glory. To reflect His perfect character in my life. I rejoice in that. Today I rejoice that my child is in heaven and I will meet him there.
Today I rejoice that God loved me so much that he used Aj to impact my life in so many ways. Compassion and empathy for other Moms experiencing loss. Compassion and empathy for Women in the midst of infertility. A greater desire to know Him. A deeper desire to show his compassion to others. God will use it for His glory. I might not see all the ways if any at all but I trust in His perfect character that he will use it for His purpose. A small crack, a new shape, it all points back to his Majesty. 

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith[b] into this grace in which we stand, and we[c] rejoice[d] in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. Romans 5:1-5

The Miracle God is working part 2.

I just recently got back from a women's retreat. The speaker was Kori de Leon who also is the author of the book Adoring Christ.(order it and read it, you WILL NOT regret it!)  I felt the tug on my heart from God to get out of my comfort zone and go, and whenever he tugs I always tug back with my whining. It is a scenario I see a lot in my kids  when they are asked to do their chores. God is funny like that showing me my own attitudes in my kids, anyway I digress. Everyone knows I am an introvert so retreats are really not my thing. A group of people usually equates to panic in me. It often makes me feel like I am in the 8th grade again and I am the new girl walking into the lunch room. (not that I would know anything about that since I was homeschooled but it's how I imagine it, HA!) There was also the financial aspect I was worried about but God worked it out financially so I went.  I thought God was calling me out of my comfort zone and of course that happened as well but I don't think it was THE reason God wanted me to go. There were actually many but here is one of them I wanted to share as it pairs well with what God has been doing in our life as a couple.

God is so Great and funny knowing what Eric and I have been experiencing these past few months with the call to ministry. I wrote a few months back about how God has been calling out to both of us to pursue him and maybe even change career paths. You can find that post here The Miracle God is working. One of the first opening statements from our speaker Kori de Leon was, "What makes God so great that people leave their careers and relationships for him?" and it was then I knew "Yes God has something to say to me this weekend."

This year God has been speaking a lot to Eric and I. At the retreat he found me in the bathroom of all places, brushing my teeth, he is never loud but he does have his way of grabbing my attention. Have you noticed that? Very quietly God said "I am going to give you a platform and you are going to tell your story." My reaction was very different from when Eric told me about his call to ministry. I wasn't shocked but in awe. A platform? What does that mean? What kind of platform? I don't know what it all means but I know it confirms to me again that this journey my husband and I are on is headed in the right direction. God is using my weaknesses helping me become more social. I am much comfortable in my own corner and my story has a lot of components, a lot of hurt, a lot of devastation, a lot of tears, and a lot of questions, a lot of shame because of expectations I could not attain but it also holds a story of redemption and restoration and God wants me to tell it for the only purpose that it will bring glory to Him. Whether that platform be one person or before a crowd I can no longer keep my story to myself. For the first time in my WHOLE life I am excited to tell the story of Carissa because I now know the purpose in my imperfect story is to bring my Savior glory.

Dear Aj

My Aj,

It's almost that time of year of your birth into heaven and although you are never far from my thoughts this time of year can bring back memories. Beautiful memories, painful memories, bittersweet memories. Memories all about you. It has been almost eleven years since God gave us the spectacular answer to prayer, the precious miracle of your little life. We sought God for you, we obeyed James 5 and asked our Pastor and Elders to anoint us with oil and pray over us. We got down on our knees crying out to God to open my womb.  He answered by giving us you. The perfect gift of life. We went through so many valleys. So much loneliness. We were conquerors of this thing called infertility.

We dreamed of you, we made plans with you, we trusted God with your life. The life that we briefly came to know on this earth. Your life. The life that reminds me time and again that this earth is not my home. God has used your little life to teach me so much about compassion, about grief, about love, about reaching out to others and most of all about Him. It has taken a while, 10 years, and I am just now able to lift my hands in worship and thank Him not just for you living, not just for the few weeks we had as a family but also for his plan of taking you back to heaven with Him. There is no timetable for grief, no time timetable for God for He is always doing something greater in the darkest circumstance. I have learned in darkness, in death, in the hurt, is where He restores, He resurrects, He rebuilds, He revives.

You wouldn't think it now with three brothers and two sisters that your Dad and I ever went through a time where we didn't know if we'd even have children. People are always shocked when they hear our story and he has made you my Aj a part of that story and for that I am so thankful. You are already dancing and rejoicing in the Glory of Heaven worshipping with the other people that now call Heaven home. You have the most wonderful freedom anyone could ever fathom sitting at our Jesus' feet. I do love to picture you there and it brings me such HOPE. Your little life made such an impact on me. Your little life was used to bring me closer to our God and I can finally say Thank You Jesus for the pain, for the darkness, for the grief for with all of it He has shown me there is always LIFE with Christ. Circumstances may prevent us from seeing life but if we look close we will find it, if we walk close to Christ we WILL FIND it.

This is just a glimpse of how you are a part of our story, my story. 

The story that started April 22, 2004

when you were born into the arms of Jesus. You are a precious gift and forever remembered by your Mom and I cannot wait for the day when I get to meet you in person.

the miracle God is working

Allow me to tell you what God is doing in my life. I am not sure I fully understand it quite yet but I have to say this shy, introverted girl is excited about it.
I told God a lot of things in my life mostly things like God please never_____. God please never allow me to marry someone younger than I( I did) . God please never allow me to marry an Army man ( again I did) . God please never allow me to go into ministry. Oh and many more things in my young life that God saw fit to say "I am the master planner not you."

You see that last one God please never allow me to go into ministry. Yeah, that is a big one. You see I lived a life with a family in ministry growing up. My Dad was a Pastor for the first 13 years of my life then switched to becoming a Full time missionary to the military. I know what that life is like and wanted no part of it. I especially know what that life is like for someone like myself who is quiet and introverted, who prefers to watch and ponder. It wasn't fun for me as a pastors kid. There were many expectations I could not lived up to, many circumstances I had no control over that left me scarred and ashamed for not being enough and so I quickly shut out any possibility that God could call me, use me, do anything with me for his kingdom even though that is what my heart longed for.

Fast forward to this past year during one of my first Church services at our new Church, Harvest Bible Chapel San Antonio, my Pastor brought his Bible with him to the stage, the one with his name engraved on it (One of our Church missions and passions is church planting so it is a tradition of sorts to pass the Bible with the sending Pastors name on it onto the Pastor who is being sent to plant the new Church.) and said something to the like  "one day I will be handing off this Bible to one of you." On that day the Holy Spirit washed over me and quietly whispered "that will one day be your husband." I remember looking over at Eric sitting next to me thinking "huh?" I haven't had many expereinces like this. I mean seriously I am a huge skeptic. The queen of doubt, the queen of saying "yeah right!".  I put it in the back of my head not really thinking much of it because really it wasn't even Eric's radar so I had nothing to worry about.  I also remembering asking God to never...

About two weeks ago Eric asked if we could talk. We were on our way up to my sisters graduation which is a three hour trip so he knew we'd have time to talk. Well as much talking one couple can do with five kids in the back of the van. He calmly told me that during the sermon on Sunday he felt God nudging him to ministry maybe even full time ministry. Of course the wife who told God NEVER was like WHAT? SERIOUSLY? We just got settled after moving from Illinois and you are discerning God calling you to change careers? Let me say that again YOU. ARE. WANTING. TO. CHANGE. CAREERS. We NEVER discussed this in pre-marital counseling. I didn't yell, out loud anyway. I just sat calmly in the passenger seat of the car thinking...stewing...maybe the thought of jumping did cross my mind. This wasn't in our 5 year plan, or 10 year plan, or even 50 year plan. This just came one day.

After the initial shock wore off and it did take a few days. I told him my story about sitting in that service and how the Holy Spirit came over me. He thought I was joking at first then I brought it up again and I told him that it was no joke and with that I could see his heart fill. Now don't get the idea that Eric and Carissa have gone all looney toons believe me we kinda already are. This is very serious to us and I don't want my writing to suggest anything but the power of God in changing my heart on the matter of going into ministry. Changing my heart from a "Are you serious, Lord?" to an exciting anticipataion of what God is doing in our lives. God doesn't need me to answer his call, he doesn't need me at all but he does require obedience and I tremble at the thought of not obeying. Of telling him no Lord I can't do this. It's too uncomfortable, it's too much of a sacrafice, it's too crazy, it's not for me, the craziest thought being that this was some how about me. HA! oh I was full of excuses and he, the God who fashioned me this way, the quiet introverted, awkward, shy girl, had an answer to every one.  The one who told God OH NEVER! NEVER ME! was EXCITED about this journey whatever and wherever he leads.

I(we) don't know the details of where God is leading our family but I do know that God has given us this desire to seek his will, not out of duty or obligation, but out of a passion to see God's kingdom grow and out of our love for our Savior. This is the miracle God is working in our lives and we appreciate the prayers as we seek to honor him and to obey his leading. Pray we will not rush or fall behind him but go step by step with him answering him obediently.

2014 Restore

Restore.

My one little word for 2014. I am sad to leave this word behind as it has meant so much to me this year. In many ways God has used this word to heal wounds and in other ways bring exposure to wounds I didn't even know I had. This was my first year choosing a word and I am so glad I did! I love the time of reflection. I love how God brought situation after situation into my life to restore me. Just looking back on 2014:

The Simple. Simple little things like persistent flies during my quite time, yes those creatures that disturb us during the Summer, or in Texas all year long! Those flies that never give up, they persist and persist just like I need to persist in my relationship with Jesus.

The People. People who have welcomed my family but not just welcomed, but love us. All of us. Even me.

Prayer. One of the biggest lessons learned is to stop in the moment and pray for the person sharing his/her heart with me. Guilty of saying I will pray for you, how much more powerful is a love that stops in the moment and wraps its arms around you with words from a prayer. That is the kind of love I desire to give the people around me and strangers I come in contact with.

There is life to be found with the brokenness. As I have prayed for restoration this year God has rubbed me raw in areas. It has been painful at times. From my Dad's cancer to friends losing their son to our own financial crisis. I have sat many times crying over a bill passed due and finding out our home in Illinois would be foreclosed upon. One thing remains, one thing is true, and that is Jesus. He is Hope, He is Peace, He is the Master Restorer. 2014 has been a beautiful restorative year one that will be a monument in my walk with Jesus. Tomorrow I will have a new word and I am eagerly looking forward to how God will use it in my life. 

2015 will be a year of "free".

11 “In that day

“I will restore David’s fallen shelter—
    I will repair its broken walls
    and restore its ruins—
    and will rebuild it as it used to be,
12 so that they may possess the remnant of Edom
    and all the nations that bear my name,[e]”
declares the Lord, who will do these things.

Amos 9:11-12

for my sensitive child Jonah

I want to tell you how much I admire you. How much I am you and all that I have learned being the 'sensitive kid'. There is a lot of grief being the 'sensitive kid'. People will make fun of you for getting your feelings hurt easily and tell you to grow a backbone. I am hear to tell you not to. Tune their voices out. Don't believe their lies and what I believe are Satan's lies.

There is strength beyond your child self in you being sensitive. Compassion is in your soul and it compels you to reach out to those you see hurting and you reach far. You see the hurting people. For you they are hard to ignore, even the slightest change in voice, in their action, in facial expression, it does not go unnoticed by you. Sadly this world is polar opposite of your disposition and people don't know want to call it and they will call it many things.  Jealousy, judgement, hate everything but what it is. Jonah it is a gift, a precious gift God has given you.  This world needs more people like you. People who use their sensitivity for the sake of Christ and show compassion and mercy to those who don't deserve it. Son you inspire me and my prayer is that you will never believe the lies like I did and think you need to change and grow a backbone. It is my prayer that you will allow God to use what this world sees as a weakness and allow your attentive spirit to spread the love of Jesus.

There is nothing wrong with being sensitive. Crying easily is nothing to be ashamed of, for it means your heart is open and Oh, my precious son, how I pray that you will allow your heart to remain open to Christ as you walk this road to become a Man of God. Always remember that God loves you, always remember that your mom and dad love you, you are precious to Him, you are precious to your family.

I love you, Mom